Everyone knows very well how unpleasant it is to be under pressure from someone else. But how to get out of the usual rut? Not everyone knows about this.

However, before learning about methods of protection against pressure from different people, it is necessary to understand what types of psychological pressure exist in general.

1. Coercion-it is a direct, undisguised effect on another person. It is resorted to only when there is some kind of power: physical qualities, power, money, information. A person who is being coerced into something is aware of the process taking place - as opposed to being manipulated.

You can try to defend against him by hinting to the "attacker" that he is acting aggressively - some people do not like to admit this. However, if this does not bother a person, then resist this species pressure will be extremely difficult.

2. Humiliation. In this situation, you can hear a lot of unpleasant things about yourself: you are stupid, scary, clumsy, untalented, disorganized ... The danger of this type of pressure is that you get upset, lose control of the situation, and at this moment it is very convenient to put pressure on you: “ Can you at least do that?"

The fact is that, being in a sober mind, you would never agree, but here personal defense mechanisms and the desire to prove your own worth come into play. By the way, this technique works solely due to self-doubt.

3. Leaving aside. This kind of psychological pressure stands apart from all others, since its essence lies in trying to starve you out. In other words, when they want to put pressure on you, and you want to clarify this, the person begins to slip into extraneous topics. Or asks why you keep talking nasty things about him.

In this case, it is necessary to notice this very moment of departure each time and return to the starting point: “No, we will deal with me later, now we are talking about you.” If you are persistent, then there is a chance that the aggressor will lag behind you with his pressure.

4. Suggestion- this is the view psychological impact on a person, after which he begins to absorb information imposed on him from the outside. The person using this method must be an authority for his victim, otherwise the technique will not work. For this, games with voice, intonation and other semi-conscious moments are most often used.

5. Persuasion. The most rational kind of psychological pressure. It appeals to reason and human logic. Speech that includes beliefs is usually as logical, consistent, and conclusive as possible. However, as soon as the consciousness of the victim catches the slightest inconsistencies, the whole structure immediately collapses.

Unfortunately, a person who has fallen under any psychological pressure does not always have the strength and ability to resist him. But in such a situation, there is a way out - you must immediately turn to the practice of mudras, which will protect you from unpleasant influences from other people.

Mudra that will protect against pressure from different people

This mudra creates a form of energy that first of all puts a barrier, blocking the leakage of energy from you to the one who puts pressure on you. After all, against our will, we can be subjugated only by constantly taking away energy.

And if you endure your subordinate position through force and are yourself surprised that you cannot end this state of affairs - they really take away your energy, there is a constant outflow of strength from you to your enslaver, so you can’t start defending yourself and your interests .

Mudra is necessary in all cases when you are forced to give up your own plans, needs, interests in the name of the interests of other people. Do not tolerate such a state of affairs if it makes you suffer - after all, in a situation of psychological slavery, the health of the soul and body is impossible.

Already during the practice of mudra, you will feel how the degree of your inner freedom increases, how your inner strength and psychological stability increase, as well as your self-esteem strengthens and increases, you gain self-esteem.

And try not to miss new opportunities that will definitely appear in your life - for example, in the case of your material dependence, you may have sources of your own income, in the case of a tyrant boss - the opportunity to change jobs.

Here are examples of situations where you need mudra:

Physical abuse is being used against you;

You are humiliated, insulted, offended in order to subjugate and force you to obey;

They demand from you unquestioning obedience and renunciation of your own will;

You are required to perform work that you are not required to do and do not want to do;

You are forced to do things that you don't like, don't agree with your beliefs, or simply don't fit into your plans;

You are threatened with punishment, with some kind of repressive measures, if you refuse to carry out someone else's will imposed on you;

You are required to abandon your usual way of life and accept the way of life of another person alien to you;

You are being watched, your every step is controlled, you are required to report on every action;

You are financially dependent on another person and therefore are afraid to show your own will and declare your own interests;

Officials exceed their authority and try to impose relationships on you that go beyond the relationship of superior and subordinate;

Someone obsessively gives you advice on various issues of your life that concern only you;

Someone is obsessively interested in your life, trying to find out details that concern only you, obviously crossing the boundaries of your “personal territory” without your permission.

When to perform mudra: in emergency cases - anytime, anywhere, from 3 to 30 minutes, regardless of whether you are in front of your enslaver or not. If you perform the mudra correctly, then the very sight of it will already cool his ardor and make him give up his intention to influence and manipulate you in one way or another.

For everyday work on liberation from a long-standing, protracted addiction in any of its forms - 3 times a day, in the morning, afternoon and evening for 5-7 minutes, for any period from a week to six months.

For prevention or for release from mild forms of addiction, or simply unwanted attention to you and your life - 1 time per day, in the morning, 3-5 minutes, for any period from 3 days to 3 months.

Description of the implementation of the mudra.

• Place your right hand (for left-handers - left) in front of your chest with your palm facing you, fingers parallel to the floor.

• Squeeze this hand into a fist, but without bending the fingertips inside the palm, but resting them on the base of the palm.

• Press the straightened thumb firmly against the side surface of the bent index finger.

• Place the other hand in front of the chest with the palm away from you, fingers pointing up.

• Spread the straightened fingers of this hand as wide as possible.

• Press the back of the first hand, bent into a fist, firmly against the back of the second hand with straightened and spread fingers. The thumb of the first hand should take a position perpendicular to the fingers of the second hand extended upwards.

• Bring your hands folded in this way as close as possible to the base of the throat.

• It is not necessary to close your eyes, with a defocused look, look into the distance, as if through the space in front of you.

• Focus on the base of the throat and imagine that a powerful source of energy is being formed there, spreading throughout your body, enveloping you like a cocoon and blocking the possibility of any external influences on you.

• Form a firm intention to become a free, independent person, follow your goals and interests in life and get out of any kind of addiction.

Protective mudra from energy vampirism

Mudra equips us with protection from someone else's negative influence, which can affect in the most unfavorable way at the moment when we are easily lost and succumb to the influence - often unconsciously - of our counterpart.

But if we take a closer look, our own involvement in the origin of suffering becomes quite obvious. We ourselves condone this, and perhaps we are too little protected from negative influences. There is no need to blame anyone, it is better to remember in time and use this protective mudra.

Description of the implementation of the mudra.@/p>

• Fold your hands as shown in the figure, thumbs touching each other with their tips. Keep your hands at stomach level.

• Through this mudra, we form a lock and thanks to it we protect our stomach, the softest and most vulnerable part of the body, as well as our emotional condition from foreign influence.

• Breathing is even and calm.

• Mentally draw a circle around you that no one can cross.

Previous articles in the series:

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10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19. Make your body work in the right mode- and you do not have to torture yourself with diets in the fight against excess weight

20. Write down a recipe for youth and attractiveness that you might not know about.

Reviews.

“They really help! Mudras helped me lose weight! Really helped! Improve my health in general and instill in me the confidence that I lacked so much. There is no mysticism and magic in mudras, this is just the work of our body and consciousness.

“Mudras are the easiest, most reliable and harmless way not only to improve your health, but also to achieve good results in all areas of life: in personal, family, social, whatever, that is, to harmonize your life as much as possible.

They bring success and good luck to life by harmonizing the primary energy structures of a person. I know what I'm talking about because I have results"

“Help! And not only for myself, but also for the children. The child began to breathe noticeably easier. I do to children with colds. Since I myself usually get sick with them, the benefit is double.

“I didn’t believe in miracles, and now I even know what they look like - they are wise. Miracles and more! A couple of days ago I had a toothache, it was difficult to run to the pharmacy, I had to get dressed. So I decided to try my mother's way to cure myself, or at least alleviate this endless stream of toothache.

I got on the Internet and there photos caught my eye - wise. My tooth ached, I got angry and thought about getting dressed and going to the pharmacy. I look at the photos, but okay, I'll try to twist these "wise" ones. I did one, the second - I almost twisted my fingers. The pain is getting bigger and so in a fit of pain my fingers twisted themselves, something like a “wise”.

So I sat there for fifteen minutes, afraid to move. Oddly enough, the pain began to subside! An hour later, I completely forgot that I had a toothache!

VELVET: Marina Bondarenko

Article 40 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation regulates liability for coercing a person to commit any illegal actions or inactions. Separating this problem into a separate article is very important, as it makes it clear how to correctly determine the degree of guilt of a suspect.

The peculiarity of the article is that in the presence of coercion in criminal law, it is possible to apply different penalties in accordance with the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation.

It depends on the ability to control their actions by the person against whom pressure is applied:

• a person does not control his actions or, conversely, inaction;
• man could control his actions.

If a citizen, during the compulsion, could not control his actions, then this act is considered unpunished. If, despite physical or moral pressure, he could influence the act being committed, then measures of criminal influence are applied to this person.

Psychological pressure the child is regulated by articles 110 and 151 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation, which reflect punishments for driving to suicide, as well as if the child is inclined to use drugs, alcohol, prostitution, vagrancy.

Coercion is any action on a person with the aim of depriving him of his will. To force a person to commit an illegal act is possible only with strong pressure.

Coercion can manifest itself in the following ways:

Physical coercion manifests itself in the form of torture, beatings, giving psychotropic drugs. Coercion of a mental nature can manifest itself in threats, intimidation of the person himself, and there may also be threats of causing physical or moral suffering to relatives.

The presence of physical coercion is a ground precluding a crime in the following cases:

• the physical impact is irresistible;
• physical compulsion has a direction;
• there is the presence of physical coercion;
• compulsion is real.

Irresistibility is understood as such an action on a citizen that completely deprives a person of his will. This circumstance leads to the fact that a person does not resist the coercive. The reality of coercion is manifested in the fact that there is a real object of violence, and not some fictional character.

Orientation means that coercion is carried out by influencing the right of inviolability of the human body, because of which a person is not able to control his actions.

The presence of pressure is characterized by the fact that there is a time interval of impact on a person, and at the same time the action continues.

Mental coercion in criminal law is an action on the human psyche. At the same time, a person is not fully in control of his actions. A special place is occupied by the influence through the use of hypnosis. The article of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation classifies moral pressure on a person as a surmountable factor. But, for example, hypnosis completely deprives a person of acting independently and therefore excludes criminal punishment.

For example, the threat of being fired from work is a force that can be overcome, since a person can choose what to do - to comply with the requirements of the coercive person or report the fact of psychological coercion to law enforcement agencies.

Overcome coercion does not entail liability in those circumstances where there were conditions of extreme necessity. The conditions for exclusion of liability are described in the commentary to Art. 39 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation.

Judicial practice shows that the article is not applied independently, as a rule, the type and amount of punishment is determined by a combination of various articles.

Conclusion

If in relation to a person there was a fact of coercion to commit unlawful acts, and a crime was committed, then the following measures must be taken:

1. Contact law enforcement to testify.
2. Contact a qualified lawyer.

The article of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation fully discloses physical and psychological violence, but in practice it is difficult to determine whether insurmountable or surmountable coercion has taken place.

A legal assessment and the legitimacy of the application of certain sanctions against a person subjected to coercion can only be given by a qualified lawyer.

Psychological pressure - everyone has experienced this. It is worth giving up a little slack, as someone who has even the most insignificant powers begins to abuse them with might and main. We almost always act as if on an automatic machine, over and over again playing out ineffective scenarios - flight or.

William Shakespeare wrote: "You can upset me, but you can't play me." Apparently, the master of English poetry and dramaturgy had reason to say so. If even the greatest geniuses are met with attempts to manipulate them, this cannot be avoided by us mere mortals.

What is psychological manipulation

Manipulation is a hidden influence on another person, with the help of which there is a change in his initial attitudes, behavior, perception. In the overwhelming majority of cases, the main goal of psychological influence is the benefits that the aggressor needs. Since with the help of this influence the manipulator satisfies his interests, this type of behavior is considered unethical. Manipulations that are aimed at satisfying the interests of the victim are extremely rare.

Psychological pressure is a common problem, especially in the post-Soviet space. Many do not disdain them - from rude saleswomen in the store, and ending with traffic police inspectors. The first thing to do if you find yourself in such a situation is to track your emotional reaction, and try to stop it (no matter how difficult it may be).

You can often hear from psychologists a recommendation to count to ten, try to regulate your breathing, and relax your muscles. However, this does not always help, as well as other similar tips. Another, more effective, way is to switch consciousness to other objects - for example, looking at the appearance of your opponent. Analyzing the behavior of the aggressor or the work environment, looking at the details of clothing, calculating logarithms in your head (if you are a mathematical genius), translating the stapler label from English into Russian - all this helps to distract, stop the storm.

The reason for our reactions

Why is it so difficult to stop in a conflict situation, to go beyond the usual behavioral pattern? The reason lies in our physiology, and is explained by the theory of the conditional division of the brain into three main sections:

1. The “reptilian brain” is the most ancient part, activated at the moment of a threat to life.
2. The “mammalian brain”, which is responsible for receiving pleasure.
3. As well as the "human brain" - a department that regulates the processes of thinking, rational analysis, reasoning.

Usually these departments work in peace and harmony. But when a person is "upset", experiencing anger or fear - excitation prevails in the "reptilian brain". It is this department that dictates the reactions of flight, expressions of aggression, fading. But in all these cases, a person cannot evaluate his actions from a logical position, understand the opponent's motivation. This scheme was a lifesaver for ancient man. Now it causes a lot of inconvenience, although it continues to function in the same mode as millions of years ago.

Turning off the "reptilian brain" is possible only with the help of logical analysis, awareness of the current situation - that is, connecting the frontal lobes. The situation looks much simpler when we got out of the conflict, cooled down, got distracted. Physiologically, in the process of analyzing the situation, the following happens - the focus of nervous excitation in the brain moves from more ancient layers to cortical structures.

Types of manipulation in communication

There are different types of psychological pressure:

• Compulsion. The most common type of manipulation. In this case, the aggressor affects the victim in the most direct way, using power, money, information, or brute physical force;
• Humiliation. The manipulator seeks to humiliate the victim as much as possible in order to realize his future plans. For example, at first you may hear a stream of all kinds of information about yourself about how stupid, incompetent, ugly, etc. you are. Insults can refer to mental abilities: “idiot”, “fool”. This type of manipulation always causes resentment and a desire to defend oneself. As a result, a person quickly loses the ability to critically assess the situation, and it becomes much easier for the aggressor to control him. After all, by a certain moment the victim is already in a state of “combat readiness”, in which he will zealously defend his personal boundaries. At this point, the aggressor asks the question, "Can you at least do that?" - and the victim does everything to prove to himself and to the whole world his significance;
• Flattery. One of the most dangerous types of manipulation of the interlocutor's consciousness. This species poses a particular threat to those who depend on the opinions of others and have low self-esteem. Such a person can quickly succumb to the manipulator. It is quite easy to resist flattery - you just need to voice the real value of your achievements, reflecting the manipulation. For example: “You belong to such a long-suffering people, you have a rich history” - “What are you, every country has pages in history when its inhabitants had to fight for justice”;
• Avoiding a direct answer. One of the most common types of hidden manipulations. Its meaning is that the victim is taken by "starvation". When she tries to clarify the situation, she hears in response something like this: “Are you really? It's all right. What nonsense are you talking about?" Or the aggressor may constantly ask why you say unpleasant things about him.

Psychological pressure and methods of neutralization

Resisting manipulation is not as difficult as it might seem at first glance.

How can psychological pressure be neutralized?

• The first thing to do is to realize that the actions of the aggressor have a specific purpose. You should be alerted by his stubborn attempts to draw your attention to some aspects of the issue and completely ignore others. Fluctuating emotions, a feeling of sympathy, or, conversely, indignation towards the manipulator, should also not go unnoticed. There are other signals that you should pay attention to: for example, feelings of guilt, a feeling of lack of time. Analyze the situation ahead of time. The aggressor knows that once he gets his opponent off balance, he will be very easy to control. However, as soon as you manage to soberly assess the situation, the need for an “urgent” solution to the issue, or an inappropriate sense of guilt, disappear by itself;
• Ask questions. They should be open-ended—that is, they are not questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” For example: “What makes you think that I am afraid? Can you suggest that I have other grounds for refusal? This technique is especially effective in situations where the interlocutor makes accusations against you in an attempt to pressure you emotionally. Use clarifying questions as if you are asking for his opinion. Refrain from excuses, attempts to explain;
• If you do not like the style of negotiation, feel free to interrupt the communication. You are the same participant in the process as the interlocutor. This is the most reliable way to avoid making the wrong decisions, especially when you are being rushed;
• Another great technique for resisting manipulation is the opposite behavior. For example, the aggressor expects you to be afraid, but you demonstrate courage and determination; expects impudence from you - you show surprise; if you are forced to act in a hurry, you become even slower;
• Play for time - this will allow you to remember the tricks with which you can repel manipulation. For example, you can sharply “remember” that you need to take medicine, call your child, or go out of need. You can just drop a pencil on the floor and look for it for a long time. It is desirable that you always have the techniques of resisting manipulation at the ready, and you can use them “on the machine”. But if you don’t have such an opportunity yet, a pause will allow you to get together and adjust your behavior strategy.

All for now.
Sincerely, Vyacheslav.

How often do you think you are faced with a situation where you are being manipulated? Manipulate means they make psychological pressure, for example,. This may be much more common than you think. There are many ways to lead people to the right decisions, and they will be convinced that they themselves made these decisions. It is useful to know these methods, apply them from time to time and not fall for these tricks yourself. Here are some of the most widely available methods of psychological pressure on people.

1. Smile

To win over a person, you need to smile at him. And smile not automatically, only with your mouth, but smile with your eyes as well. Sales agents of network companies specifically in order to increase the level of their sales. The fact is that a sincere smile causes an involuntary smile in response from the opponent, after which it will be quite difficult for him to change his line of behavior.

2. Fork

A person needs to be asked questions that cannot be answered with “no”. For example, “Is it convenient for you to meet me at ten or twelve?” or “what price suits you better: 570 rubles or 230?”.

3. Copy

Entering into a dialogue with a person, after a few minutes of conversation, we begin to copy his facial expressions and gestures. He involuntarily begins to think that you are on his wave, and also begins to copy. As a result, it will be easier to get the solution you need.

4. Consent

Never argue, this will only anger the opponent and strengthen him in his positions. Ideally, you need to listen to the interlocutor, nodding your head and agreeing with him during the conversation, he loses his vigilance, subconsciously perceiving you as a like-minded person, and you unobtrusively offer your solution to the problem.

5. Identification of needs

Here it is important not to be mistaken in what a person really needs. If his need is clear, then you need to present the situation to him in a favorable light: what exactly will he benefit from the proposed solution (the purchased product) in solving his problem.

6. The pioneer factor

A person is afraid to do something first, so if we are talking about buying a product, then you need to convince him (on emotions) that today this product is being torn with his hands and that he may not get it. Here, the herd instinct and the fear of being left deprived work (how is it: everyone took it, but I didn’t have time?). Of course, this paragraph can be modified for other situations. You can’t persuade here, otherwise the factor of fear of loss will not work.

7. Present yourself in a favorable light

This item is best done first if you are meeting a person for the first time or have not seen him for about six months. In life, the saying "Meet by clothes ..." works well, so people in the first thirty seconds evaluate your appearance and style of clothing, then fifteen seconds your demeanor and gestures are evaluated, another fifteen seconds remain for your manner and literacy of speech. The impression that you made on a person in the first minute of communication is the most persistent, and it is very important not to ignore this moment.

9. Emotionality of speech

Your position must be stated enthusiastically. Moreover, women are more inclined to show emotions than men, respectively, in communicating with women it is necessary, with men - on the contrary. The greatest effect is obtained if a man communicates with a woman in the language of facial expressions and gestures, she gets the impression that he is a sensitive and understanding person. And vice versa, if a woman communicates with a man with restraint, then involuntarily he has such an opinion that you can rely on her and you can trust her.

10 Favor

The law of "favors - sense of duty" works among people by default. If you need a person in the future, find a way to be useful to him at least once. Let it be a trifle, but he will still understand that he is in debt.

11. Be close to the person, not in front of him.

If the person with whom, for example, you are having important negotiations, is on the verge of boiling, take a position next to him, and trouble will bypass you. A person will calm down faster in this way, and you will achieve your goal without problems.

12. Ask for help

If you want to get what you want, address the person like this: “I need your help” or “I have no one to help except you.” So the person you are contacting realizes his significance and, I would even say, uniqueness, so he will immediately begin to solve your problem.

13. Address a person by name

Every person is insanely pleased to hear his name. So, if you want to get what you want, start your appeal with the name and patronymic of the person.

14. Use in your monologue the words: “My father once told me…”

For all of us, parents are the most sacred thing on earth; we treat their life instructions with special trepidation. If you want to continue to successfully bend your line, tell a story on the topic "My father always said ..." - and this will become the final trump card in your favor.

15. An angry tirade

This technique is usually used by bosses. They unleash an angry tirade on a subordinate, although in reality this is not at all the emotion that they experience. A subordinate in a state of stress begins to actively do his job, which was to be achieved. True, this technique does not work for weak-spirited employees. Anger can finally break them.

16. Call for Guilt

You can put pressure on a person with the help of comments about his selfishness, the fact that he forgot about you, does not care enough, and the like. The “accused” automatically feels guilty or ashamed and rushes to fill in the gaps.

These are the main points that you need to consider when communicating with other people, which can significantly ease your life and save you from the possibility of falling under someone else's influence.

» The ability to say "No"

© Christina Valko

Time to say "No"
(About psychological pressure and manipulation)

"Whenever I say yes, I see in advance
how much "no" will it cost me"
Stanislav Jerzy Lec

Probably every person at least once got into a situation where it was necessary to say “no”. But he didn’t dare, and as a result, he dragged along a trail of dubious responsibility, uninteresting and unimportant things for him, dissatisfaction with himself, or just a vague feeling “something is wrong here.”

Life is full of situations like this.

• Beloved grandmother, persistently giving away her priceless 30-year-old carpet, earned with sweat and blood, to your new wonderful apartment;
• The boss, who again hung up an overtime unpaid task with a deadpan look and again it was on you;
• The friend for whom you became the last hope to borrow money / put in a good word to someone / drink because of his next breakup - for the third time in a year and “I knew you would not let you down”;
• The wife's aunt, who was sure that it was not at all difficult to go to feed her cat through half the city while she was resting on the sea;
• The seller from whom the last unnecessary thing was bought, because he was attentive, kind (and perfectly mastered the technique of sales);
• Etc.

Why is it so difficult to refuse other people, even knowing full well that you can’t get anything useful for yourself from this undertaking?

Agree or refuse - a double-edged sword. And if you still answer “no”, this also has different consequences. You can drop your "goodness" in the eyes of people. Get into open aggression or secret condemnation. Really upset someone. It is impossible to shift responsibility for your decisions and life to others (the positions “My parents chose the university for me, and now I work as an economist and are dissatisfied with life” or “I am so busy taking care of my family that I don’t have enough time for myself” will no longer work).

But still, human resources, material and mental, are limited. And our task is to distribute and increase them in the best way for development and happiness. It is important to remember that the more time and effort is spent on other people's desires, problems and tricks, the less time is left for one's own interests and affairs. The more self-sacrifice happens for the sake of loved ones and takes on responsibilities, the more dependent they become on “the one who dedicated his life to them”, and he - on control over them. The less free will to say "yes" or "no" remains under the pressure of fear, shame, guilt, etc., the more aggression, tension and dissatisfaction with oneself accumulate inside. Undoubtedly, helping loved ones and being philanthropic is important and good. But not to your detriment. The ability to say a conscious “no” in a number of situations is an important skill.

In addition, dependability and indulgence of others have a bad effect on self-esteem and, paradoxically, on relationships with these people, because getting used to manipulating you, they increasingly see the “thing” and not the person, and begin to “ride” more and more often.

According to the concept of A. Maslow and E. Shostrom, in each person, in its ratio, there is a manipulative and actualized part of the personality. The manipulation part is aimed at using others, control, pressure for personal gain. Actualized is creative, spontaneous, perceives herself and others as individuals, respects the needs, values ​​and feelings of people. There is a variant of extreme manipulators, as well as people who have achieved good mental health - actualizers. But more often in some situations people can act as manipulators in relation to us, in others - we, or manipulations are mutual and not always conscious, so condemnation is not the best option for the psyche. At the same time, self-respecting, open behavior (including the right to refuse) is involuntarily able to actualize a communication partner who is inherently human and not indifferent to you. And to identify those who frankly use you and your resources only as a means, no matter how beautiful the motives sound from their lips.

"No, I don't mind, I just don't agree"
Maya Chetvertova

What is behind the fear of rejecting an interlocutor?

There may be several reasons. It is important to understand what drives you in a particular situation:

1. Healthy fear in front of physical / moral violence, humiliation, insults and other negative experiences, when a yielding strategy of behavior helps to alleviate the situation. Choosing between the option to agree to give the robber a wallet or to suffer physically, the right option, of course, is to take care of your life. When dealing with a boorish seller, a person in an inadequate state, an aggressive group, or being in a morally oppressed state, it is not at all necessary to defend one's rights at any cost (although with rudeness and rudeness, confident reciprocal aggression is more likely to take effect than goodwill). The situation should be determined by common sense. There are internal resources to resist psychological pressure - defend yourself, refuse, defend yourself, if they are not there - agree outwardly, step back, draw conclusions. And most importantly, don't judge yourself.

2. Fear of being rejected. It seems to a person that if he does not agree with the others, then they will treat him badly, they will not help him in difficult times, contacts will be lost. This is especially acute with important people because everyone wants to be accepted and loved by loved ones. Such fear "grows" from childhood, namely from the period when the child unconsciously decided that "I am loved only as long as I am good." And the most terrible myth for the self-worth of a person arose: “love must be earned.” That a human being is loved not for who he is, but for how convenient his behavior, his manifestations of "loving", otherwise (here fear arises) - "he will be punished and deprived of love."

Of course, this is not true - no one has yet achieved sincere love with either a good character, or an attractive appearance, or a bank account. You are either loved or not. And rather, it depends on the ability to love within the “loving” one and his choice of you, rather than trying to please at any cost. But this is a profitable myth both for a market economy, where a person is valuable to himself as a “commodity”, and for totalitarian regimes, where it’s not even about losing approval, but about losing your head.

A small child under four years old very clearly and confidently says “no” to everything that he does not want now, and it can be difficult for parents to cope. But if you punish him too severely, suppress manifestations of himself, endlessly fear for him and control him, he learns to treat himself and his desires in much the same way. Significant adults could not convey in the educational process that “Now I’m angry with you, because you did badly and will be punished, but I still love you,” or even worse - they themselves were brought up on the myth “love must be earned.” Then the fear of rejection can be very strong in life. We get used to agree, to be good, or as an alternative - to constantly explode with aggression, protest, refusal of ties, which does not always go away with adolescence or develops into cynicism. Manipulations in the spirit of “If you don’t behave properly, then ... your mother will not love you / she will feel very bad / they will give you to another uncle” - games on children's feelings. They are harmful and lead to the fact that in adult life the abnormality of the consumer attitude towards oneself and others is poorly realized.

If you find yourself in such a fear, it is important to realize that no matter how people react to disagreeing to indulge them, those who care about you will not refuse you. Relatives will not stop loving, and with confident repeated behavior, they eventually recognize the right to be like that too. There will be respect in the relationship. Only "false" friends will move away. Relatives should be accepted as they are, without losing yourself for their benefit.

3. Fear of offending. A person can really be offended by a refusal, worry, can show a different reaction. You need to give him the right to do this and prepare in advance. You can express the refusal in a mild form. Those who were successfully pressured with the help of guilt, shame, duty are more afraid of offending. If the partner achieves his goal by “hooking” you emotionally, it is worthwhile to figure out whether the refusal will really entail serious consequences for the other party, important obligations may have been taken (refusal to pay child support is clearly not justified by the fact that “ ex-wife wants to manipulate me"), or they just want to gain power over you in a situation. “If you are like that, I will leave you”, “I put my whole life on you, and you are ungrateful”, “If you really love me, then ...”, etc. are provocative phrases. There may also be provocative silence.

There is a fear of offending. But those who scream their hurt feelings the loudest tend to care the least about strangers; and about what the accused of all “mortal sins” experiences in relation to relatives. Take care of yourself - don't give in.

4. Self-doubt. The reasons closely echo the fear of being rejected and offended. Excessively self-confident, impudent behavior, by the way, is the "reverse side" of uncertainty. Healthy confidence has reasonable limits. Insecure people may be afraid to run into ill will, rudeness, aggression if they say “no”. They rarely allow themselves to be assertive, angry, and if they are angry, then to the point of rage. But they are often annoyed in comfortable conditions, for example, at home, over trifles (soap wet in a soap dish and hysteria about this is it).

The aggressive charge does not go anywhere, therefore, if it is not shown to the real addressee, constructively and on time, it accumulates inside until it becomes impossible to control it. Then he pours out on relatives, rudeness in public places, humiliation of the weak. Or undermines health, turning into psychosomatic illnesses. There is such a thing - auto-aggression. This is aggression accumulated and directed against oneself. It manifests itself in a craving for self-destruction, masochism, alcoholism, depression ... Taking a passive, infantile, unfailing position, you can harm your health. Aggressive feelings are not initially bad, they activate the body to fight, to protect itself. Having forbidden yourself anger as “bad,” you begin to be afraid of refusing, because you remain defenseless internally and cannot stand up for yourself. Therefore, it is useful to communicate your true feelings (of course, without losing your head and insults), since a person does not always understand what exactly offends another.

Life throws up many reasons for stress. If it is not possible to express such feelings directly (as with the authorities), you can find an outlet for tension in creativity and sports.

If you are still afraid to refuse, fearing rudeness, "moral harassment" and so on, then at least admitting to yourself a feeling of anger at this state of affairs and tearing a couple of sheets of paper to shreds is already a good step.

5. Stereotype about the "rules of decency"". When parents and close associates teach “good manners” and impeccable courtesy to strangers, these beliefs interfere with a firm “no” later. Self-esteem and confidence may be all right, but what works is believing that being reliable is the right thing to do. You have the right to revise your beliefs on your own, change the rules taken from childhood.

6. The need to be irreplaceable. The hidden benefit from the fact that you are considered very accommodating, they cannot do without you over time, they are accustomed to counting on you, no doubt there is. It can inflate self-esteem. Or reduce the fear of losing important contacts. Or give the opportunity to reproach "I do so much for you." Feel your influence and even power over the destinies of others (“They can’t do without me”, “Everything rests on me”). Is it worth it? Everyone decides for himself.

1. If you are not sure about your desire to do something, do not rush to agree. We are often rushed to answer, not allowing us to really understand our attitude and understand the issue. You can say "I need to think", "Now I can not answer you." Look at the reaction of the interlocutor. If he is nervous or, on the contrary, extremely self-confident and tries in every possible way to persuade him to make a decision immediately (“Promotion for this wonderful tour only today!”, “Either now or never!”) - be careful.

2. Before you say a firm "No" you need to feel the determination. Otherwise, the interlocutor will push harder. That is why it is desirable to gain time. But when you have already decided on the decision "Yes" or "No", cut off doubts and act. After all, you can hesitate for a long time. To make it easier, write down on paper the pros and cons of refusal and consent, and then choose a more attractive option. If they are approximately equal, there is no reason to worry “whether I did the right thing”.

3. When it is difficult to say “No” directly, you can resort to the phrases “Unfortunately, I am not able to help you”, “Maybe another time”, “Thanks for asking, but I can’t”. You can soften the refusal with a compliment (“You are charming today!”, “You are so competent”), ask the interlocutor about something pleasant (“How did you relax at sea?”). If he is disposed towards you, he will accept the refusal less painfully. It's good to end the conversation on a positive note.

4. To get away from the influence of a partner who is too oppressive, move away from him physically (go around the table, move to the window), use closed protective postures (crossed arms, legs) - they will reduce susceptibility; break his concentration on you with a sudden illogical question, an exclamation, switching your attention to the restaurant menu, a magazine, a window (your nails, after all). His attention will follow you, if only for a little while. You will have time to pack. An old psychological trick is to present the interlocutor in a funny perspective: without clothes, with a thin voice, etc.

5. Be prepared for the fact that in case of manipulation you will not be so easily retreated. Don't let yourself be drawn into emotional experiences. They can put pressure on pity (“You can’t bring a glass of water to a poor mother in old age!” When talking about completely different issues), on shame (“A normal person will not do this”, “What will people think”), on guilt (“Do you remember once…”), to pain (“Your dead father would not have allowed this!”), to fear (“You will dance with me!”), and so on. They like to use the words "always", "never", to generalize, to refer to extraneous opinions. Listen, without getting involved in disassembly and evidence of “whose truth is truer”, because this is what the manipulator needs. When his flow of words dries up, calmly repeat the refusal, briefly stating the reason. Everything can start over 3-4 times, repeat "No" and keep your composure.

It will be difficult at first. Then it is much easier, because this is a matter of experience.

Of course, there are important issues where your consent is a serious help for a person. And just to agree to do something good is very nice! This article is not at all a call for callousness and categoricalness! And for closing the road to impure intentions, manipulation and pressure.

6. Caustic remarks and insults - just a desire to recoup "at least that way" and a sure sign of your victory. What's left for the manipulator? To prick at least with the fact that “It’s impossible to agree with you”, “What’s the point of arguing”, “Yes, they told me what kind of person you are, but I didn’t believe it.” Treat it accordingly.

7. Finally, if you have time, I recommend that you read E. Shostrom's "Ten Psychological Human Rights". The information is available on the Internet and it greatly facilitates the understanding of one's own and others' free will. After all, as economic, political, social, there are psychological rights. But it is not in everyone's interest that we use them. Good luck!

© K. Valko, 2012
© Published with the kind permission of the author