Each of us has come across such a state when the beloved woman ceased to please and cause any desire. At one point, you just realized that there is not a single drop of happiness in your relationship, and you no longer want to participate in them. And every time you saw your spouse, you felt a sense of hostility and anger towards her. No, she didn't do anything bad for you at the moment, you just didn't want to see her.
Day by day, your impatience towards her accumulated, and you began to notice how even the most petty and insignificant oversight on her part, you began to respond with lightning rudeness. And when she started crying, you didn't feel any remorse.
And you know, this state is one of the most important problems of family life at the present time. In another way, this condition is called: emotional burnout. And although this is more of a scientific term from psychology, you need to know why this is happening.
What is emotional burnout
The first mention of scientific research in the field of emotional burnout dates back to 1974, where this syndrome was described by the American psychiatrist H.Frendenberger in 1974. He recorded the development in healthy people who are in intensive and close communication with patients / clients in an emotionally loaded atmosphere when providing professional help, physical and emotional exhaustion.
Main symptoms
- progressive fatigue, decreased performance;
- poor tolerance of previously habitual loads;
- muscle weakness;
- muscle pain;
- sleep disorders;
- headaches;
- forgetfulness;
- irritability or tearfulness;
- decreased mental activity and ability to concentrate.
Further study of the problem showed that not only social workers, but also ordinary people who, to one degree or another, show signs of emotional burnout, fall under the influence of this syndrome.
So a whole direction appeared, which set as its goal the study of emotional burnout (emptying) of family relationships.
Causes of emotional burnout in relationships
Lack of proper remuneration. Imagine a situation where you save money for several months in a row to give your wife a substantial birthday gift, and she shows almost complete indifference when she receives it. You find yourself in a situation where there is no balance between your efforts and the result. You can be sure that next time you will no longer have the desire to do anything.
Lack of independence. If a woman does not give a man the opportunity to make decisions, then he gradually turns into a weak-willed drone who lies on the couch all day and does not show initiative. This, ultimately, causes in him feelings of inadequacy and uselessness.
A high degree of feelings for fate and future life. If a man works and makes some plans for his future life, achieves some goals and leads his destiny in the right direction, and his wife tells him about gossip with her girlfriends and does not support the man, then such relationships cause great stress for the man. How can she be so fun to chat and spend your money on nonsense when you have to do this to get something big? This can also be called a conflict of interest, when one person lives in the present and does not think about the future, while the other works today to live better tomorrow.
Uncertainty in life. For example, a man receives an offer to go to Siberia for Good work with great prospects, he himself wants and desires such a move. But he also understands that he has a wife and children who will not be very comfortable living in the new conditions. And so he begins to think about the right decision, where none of these decisions can be right.
Uniformity and monotony. It often happens that we look into our past and cannot distinguish one day from another, they are all the same and do not have any bright distinguishing moments. And if a man also looks at his relationship, and does not find anything bright and exciting in them, then he will begin to think that they do not do anything in his life.
How emotional burnout manifests itself
1. Before a person falls into a state of spiritual devastation, he tries in every possible way to fight for his relationship. Constant thoughts about your mistakes, talking with your wife, organizing some trips and other things. However, his mistake lies in the fact that he does not dose them, but splashes out in a short time what should have been stretched out for a longer time. The result is fatigue and the inability to return to an adequate state.
2. Next, there is a transfer of one's fatigue into the form of detachment. A man simply begins to ignore his wife and her desires, and also begins to provoke family conflicts in order to throw out his emotional stress. Very often at one point a man begins to hate his wife for no reason.
3. And finally, the man understands that he is no longer able to somehow influence the current situation, he completely loses faith in the existing relationship. He begins to think about whether to leave him a woman who does not make him happy? Although the fault of the woman herself is not so much, but this is just a general emotional burnout of a man.
How to deal with burnout in a relationship
Most often, the process of recovery from this disease lies entirely on the shoulders of the man himself. This process, although from an artistic point of view, was shown in detail in the film American Beauty, where the protagonist after a long burnout, I was able to find the strength in myself to change everything for the better.
Experts have long proven that men in stressful situations they need not only emotional release, but also physical release so that they can get rid of negative emotions. This practice is widely used in prisons, where prisoners are allowed to play sports, which significantly reduces the number of conflicts among prisoners. The situation is similar in relationships, the less negative emotions you have, the less you will quarrel with your wife, which means you will more readily find the best solution.Breaks and rest. A change of scenery and active recreation have a positive effect on emotional condition men, because it is in such an atmosphere that he ceases to pay attention to the little things that irritated him so much. It is also possible to have a joint vacation with your spouse, where the main tool for recovery is rallying. People who find themselves in an unfamiliar environment are more likely to try to find allies than in their daily lives. And this is a good way to resolve a number of protracted conflicts.
Avoiding competition. A common cause of conflicts is different points of view on the same situation. And if such conflicts are quite common for business partners and enemies, then such competition is not needed in relationships. Perhaps you should stop arguing with your wife for a while and give her the choice to rest in peace and quiet, and then return to the top of Olympus again with a different look at current problems.
Positive communication. You must remember from childhood that productive communication, even on completely frivolous things, has a positive effect on the overall level of friendship development. Exactly the same technique should be used in your home. Just talk more with your wife about things that are not related to your work or your thoughts. This will help to win the trust of your wife, and then you will see how she is sincerely interested in your affairs.
Goal setting. With the exception of a small number of men whose creed is destruction, men prefer to create and create something. Therefore, to maintain a good emotional level, it is necessary to achieve some result every week. To do this, you need to come up with some kind of business for yourself and break it into small stages of implementation for up to 1 month. This can be compared to any hobby, which nevertheless brings you visible results.
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When the husband "burns out".
All parents must read!
This story happened to a friend of mine.
The husband came exhausted from work, mechanically ate a chop, not looking up from the computer. Checked the mail, answered a bunch of letters.
Dad, dad, look what I drew! - the daughter danced at his back.
Nice drawing, - said dad and again stuck his head in the computer.
Sasha, could you play with her? - asked the wife. - I would like to take a shower.
Of course, - said the back of her husband.
The wife went to the bathroom, and from there she heard the sounds of cartoons that the husband turned on for the child.
Then he put boxing gloves, a helmet, a mouth guard, water in his backpack (he grumbled that the filter was empty again), looked for his hand bandages for a long time, was very angry. He raised the whole house to his ears in order to find them as soon as possible.
Are you going to fitness? Could you skip it for once and have dinner with us? I haven't seen you all day, and now you're leaving again! - wife exploded and started crying. In tears, she tells how many times a day the younger one cried, how many hours she did not sleep, that the older one was sick again and exhausted all her nerves .... That she was tired of this and just wants to be in the company of her husband, not children.
You don't play with kids, they don't even see you! She threw the last stone.
The husband put down his backpack with boxing gloves and calmly said:
Can you tell me how much I did today?
I went for medicine for you. I gave two lectures, made three presentations, wrote a chapter of a book, registered the children with a doctor. Then I went for juices for masha and brought 40 packs of juice on me ... .
He listed a dozen more cases that his wife did not suspect, and tears of repentance shone in her eyes. It turns out that her husband solves her problems every day. Some of them she does not even suspect, because he solves them faster than she notices. He pays the rent and deals with loans, paperwork, insurance, social security payments on his own.
Now I want to finally relax and go to the gym. Because I want to keep myself in shape. And I got it for it, - the husband finished offended.
Could you… solve less problems? Let me better solve half of them or together. Or even if these problems are not solved, but I only ask you to have dinner with us! Chat with us! Relax with us! I'd grow wings and solve a thousand problems if I could see your face instead of your back when you're at your computer. When was the last time I saw your eyes? I can not go on. I really don't have the energy to do anything. Even iron the linen.
My husband didn't go to the gym. He played with the children all evening. He did it for his wife. Before going to bed, they talked and understood: they both burn out. They are missing each other. And there is a terrible thing - loneliness in marriage.
Dear men! How many times has it happened: for example, you lost a flash drive in your bag, you can’t find it. They said "Damn it", a couple more strong words, finally found. Cursed and forgotten, because it became easier. They left for work. You communicate with colleagues, drink coffee, laugh, solve current problems. You already forgot about this flash drive and about this briefly said "Damn it". It was just a way to let off steam and move on. With you - the whole world, rich in impressions, many people, interesting places.
And the wife remains at home alone with the children. And she has to live with this dropped phrase all day long. Because that was the only thing she heard from you in a day. She will now cry all day. She will remember everything. That you didn't talk to the child. That you didn't notice the tasty chop. That you don’t enjoy being at home at all, don’t spend time together. She sits and cries and cannot even iron her clothes. You come in the evening and see a mess. Because everything fell out of her hands because of this morning curse.
You add to her a mess. You say that you plow all day and deserve comfort. Briefly say that she is a bad housewife and a bad teacher, since she cannot get the child to go to bed on time.
She falls asleep with the thought that you don't love her.
And you have nothing to blame. You solve a thousand problems! You are really tired. And aren't you doing all this out of love? Out of love, of course.
But please don't solve all the problems. Let them somehow decide on their own, without you. Just don't leave your wife alone. Let you be better together, but with problems, than she will be without problems, but all alone. Hug her…"
Being a parent is not an easy mission. Caring for children takes up almost all the time, so it is so important to spend the rare free minutes productively. From self-development books, we chose tips that will help moms and dads stay energetic and in a good mood for much longer.
Take a conscious breath
Meditation may seem like a pipe dream to you due to lack of time. The author of the book Joy from Within, Chad-Meng Tan, claims that one breath is enough to become calmer and more relaxed.
You can close your eyes or leave them open. Take one slow deep breath. To stretch this breath, focus your attention on it in the most unobtrusive way. Complete unobtrusive concentration on the breath - and nothing more. This can be done anywhere and anytime - in the elevator, in line, while the computer is loading.
There are two reasons why even one attentive breath brings you peace and tranquility: physiological and psychological. Physiological is that you breathe carefully, that is, deeply and slowly, and deep and slow breathing stimulates the vagus nerve, which in turn stimulates the work of the parasympathetic nervous system. It helps the body reduce stress, reduce heart rate and blood pressure, and generally calm down. The psychological reason is that when you concentrate completely on your breath, your mind is forced to be fully present in the present in order to focus on the long breath.
Learn to say "no"
Sometimes when you say no to something, you give yourself the freedom to say yes to something different, better. Every choice is a sacrifice for us. Children can sometimes play by themselves, and you can drink tea in peace. Always say yes to only the best for you.
Make peace with chaos
We used to think that order is good and right. We are always trying to streamline everything and adjust this world to our systems. However, we forget that nature is actually chaotic and this is no accident. Tim Harford's Chaos. How clutter changes our lives for the better” there are many examples and stories that clearly show that chaos is not only clutter. Chaos is diversity. Chaos is unpredictability. And it can be put to good use.
Accept chaos in all its diversity, and life will become easier. Even if the mess in the nursery does not set you in a creative mood, maybe children like chaos.
Manage stress
You can call this feeling whatever you like - stress, anxiety, fear or panic, depending on the severity of the feeling - but the hormone cortisol always makes you think that if you do not take decisive action right now, something terrible will happen.
We must learn to recognize negative feelings from the past. This way you can develop behaviors to counter them. When you realize that stress or anxiety is just an old response to an old threat, then stop looking for new evidence of it. And the negative feeling will just go away.
Simplify
You don't have to strive to do everything. Stop. Just do less than usual. The problem is that we are trying to fit more and more cases into the same period of time. And then one day we realize how expensive it was. The quality of work suffers. We don't enjoy life to the fullest. Deteriorating relationship with children.
Consider ways to make life easier. For example, turn off your phone for 3 hours when you get home, or teach your kids to clean up after themselves. In other words, introduce rules in the family that will make your life easier.
save time
There are almost fifteen hundred minutes in a day. The secret is to learn how to use small chunks of time for your priority activities, while reducing the time for swinging and preparing. Then in the evening you will feel that you have done a lot!
Rest wisely
It is important to allocate time for rest not only at home, but also at work. If you come to children like a squeezed lemon, communication will tire you even more. “If I skip lunch and work another hour, I can complete this building.” Sounds familiar? Sitting on your work may seem productive, but it's actually not always the case. Research shows that neglecting work breaks reduces productivity, reduces ingenuity, and increases stress and fatigue.
The term "emotional burnout" was introduced more than 50 years ago by American psychoanalysts. Soviet psychology has long applied this term to the processes associated with work activities, calling this condition "professional burnout." Today, this is a typical state of young mothers who have changed their active life for parental leave. And if you do not take action, ordinary fatigue can go very far.
Emotional burnout: 4 stages
This problem can affect both men and women. Psychologists distinguish several stages of emotional burnout.
- The first stage is mobilization. It can also be called a heroic stage. During this period, we do everything “on the rise”. Life feels full and fulfilled. There is a large release of hormones that are designed to invigorate the body, adapt it to such unusual conditions for it. This is mobilization. At this time, a person gives his all to a good cause. Usually this refers to young mothers who are full of illusions and expectations, and professionally - to those who work with people.
What to do? Rest and remember that the resources of the body are limited, but in general - enjoy your activities. - The second stage of emotional burnout is endurance, or sthenic. It is characterized by:
- understanding that we cannot perform feats all the time;
- feeling of heaviness and fatigue;
- time passes in anticipation of the end of the working day;
- saving resources becomes the main thing - we do not make any extra gestures (once again we do not run to where there is no emergency);
- diseases and the inability of the body to resist viruses return;
- awareness of mistakes;
- distraction and forgetfulness.
- The third stage of emotional burnout is asthenic. It can be recognized by the following features:
- feeling of emptiness;
- feeling that there is no strength to continue working;
- increased irritability, especially towards those who want something from us;
- weakness;
- do not want anything;
- errors accumulate due to a decrease in attention and other mental processes, it takes more time to work;
- feeling very tired;
- depreciation of our own achievements - it seems that no one needs all our work, no one will appreciate them;
- decrease in the level of self-esteem;
- helping others is seen as a forced process, people seem ungrateful;
- our own feelings can be compared to a swing: we get angry at others who “need something from us all the time”, then at ourselves because we cannot refuse, so we have to overpower ourselves and continue to work.
- The fourth stage of emotional burnout is deformation. There is no return from this stage of emotional burnout, unlike the first three. If a person has fallen into such a state, it is unlikely that he will be able to return to this activity. This stage of burnout is characteristic in that the person completely ceases to contact his feelings. A person at this stage can only be helped by a specialist.
Emotional burnout is experienced by more than 90% of young mothers with children under the age of 3 (who are on maternity leave). "Groundhog Day", the lack of adrenaline-endorphin outbreaks leads to:
- discord in relations with a spouse;
- aggression towards the child;
- apathy;
- a large number of psychosomatic diseases, the back, legs, head are especially vulnerable;
- eating disorders and the formation of "not leaving excess weight";
- “search for oneself” by non-traditional methods, including cheating;
- increased suicide attempts.
It is good if there are close people nearby who will not let you wither away. Advice to husbands: if you see that your wife is always out of sorts, she feels exhausted in the morning, her daily cycles are knocked down from insomnia in the evening to the inability to get up in the morning, she has other symptoms of the 2-3rd stage - drive her away!
On the sport! Attention, not yoga! At these moments, you need to move, and the more active, the better.
Get her out of the house! One of the symptoms of emotional burnout is social phobia. Send her to her friends, to development courses, even to work.
She needs adrenaline. Extreme driving courses, flying in a wind tunnel or in a car are quite suitable.
If the stage is closer to the fourth (apathy, tears, suicidal thoughts), send her to a psychologist.
If you start it actively regret, it can only hurt! The subconscious mind decides: “Oh, I am suffering, they pity me - it means that we must suffer more actively, get sick more!”. Stroke your wife on the head, and that's it - distract, entertain!
Remember, a person can feel very bad inside, even if everything around is very good. This is such an amazing thing our psyche!
How to Get Yourself Out of Burnout: 18 Steps (with Pictures)
What can you do yourself, being at the 2-3 stages of emotional burnout?
- Visit a psychologist or courses.
- Make three promises to yourself. Write them down and show them to your loved ones (there must be witnesses). For example: I don’t cry for a month, I put on makeup every morning and eat three times a day.
- For each promise, write 10 steps to keep it.
- Make a holiday plan - not for the summer, but for every day. Even if you get only 30-60 minutes of rest per day, use this time effectively (studying social networks is not suitable!).
- Get out of the house, even by force! At least once a week, to a distant playground or to an unfamiliar park.
- Read books - classics, detective stories, romance novels.
- Make a plan for the year, include at least 100 goals in it.
- At least once a month, change things on the shelves in places.
- Draw energy from others. Make a list of your resources. Think about both external and internal sources: the people who surround you, places you would like to visit, things you would like to have, creativity, love, art, etc. Consider how you can make these resources available to you and where to start. If possible, share your thoughts with someone close to you.
- Find the 25 pluses of your life now. Look for at least 5 joys in every day. Write them down in a beautiful diary. In general, write more, make the rational hemisphere work and reduce the load on the emotional.
- Start learning new things - now you can do it for free. Take the bar higher - learn what you didn’t know at all!
- Make a special board on which households will rate you every day, for example, for mood, behavior or dinner. This will help build feedback.
- Smile! Violently, when there are no reasons and mood!
- Hug (if you have someone). Such a drink is also needed.
- Drink vitamins!
- Use visualization techniques, affirmations, and more.
- Understand that you have the right to do nothing. You are a living person and do not owe anything to anyone. You should agree with the household on the division of responsibilities and the need for your rest.
- Squat, jump, do exercises in the morning.
You say that it is difficult, no strength, lazy, better give me a pill? Such pills exist, only it will be hard to “get off” them... Every person has a will, but sometimes it is in sleep mode. It is up to you to decide whether to live or exist. This is your life and your responsibility!
This story happened to a friend of mine.
The husband came exhausted from work, mechanically ate a chop, not looking up from the computer. Checked the mail, answered a bunch of letters.
Dad, dad, look what I drew! - the daughter danced at his back.
Nice drawing, - said dad and again stuck his head in the computer.
Sasha, could you play with her? - asked the wife. - I would like to take a shower.
Of course, - said the back of her husband.
The wife went to the bathroom, and from there she heard the sounds of cartoons that the husband turned on for the child.
Then he put boxing gloves, a helmet, a mouth guard, water in his backpack (he grumbled that the filter was empty again), looked for his hand bandages for a long time, was very angry. He raised the whole house to his ears in order to find them as soon as possible.
Are you going to fitness? Could you skip it for once and have dinner with us? I haven't seen you all day, and now you're leaving again! - wife exploded and started crying. In tears, she tells how many times a day the youngest cried, how many hours she did not sleep, that the eldest was sick again and exhausted her all her nerves ... That she was tired of this and just wants to be in the company of her husband, not children.
You don't play with kids, they don't even see you! She threw the last stone.
The husband put down his backpack with boxing gloves and calmly said:
Can you tell me how much I did today?
I went to get medicine for you. I gave two lectures, made three presentations, wrote a chapter of a book, registered the children with a doctor. Then I went for juices for Masha and brought 40 packs of juice on me ...
He listed a dozen more cases that his wife did not suspect, and tears glistened in her eyes. It turns out that her husband solves her problems every day. Some of them she does not even suspect, because he solves them faster than she notices. He pays the rent and single-handedly deals with loans, documents, insurance, social benefits ...
Now I want to finally relax and go to the gym. Because I want to keep myself in shape. And I got it for it, - the husband finished offended.
Could you… solve less problems? Let me better solve half of them. Or together. Or even if these problems are not solved, but I only ask you to have dinner with us! Chat with us! Relax with us! I'd grow wings and solve a thousand problems if I could see your face instead of your back when you're at your computer. When was the last time I saw your eyes? I can not go on. I really don't have the energy to do anything. Even iron the linen.
My husband didn't go to the gym. All evening he played with the children. He did it for his wife. Before going to bed, they talked and understood: they both burn out. They are missing each other. And there is a terrible thing - loneliness in marriage.
Dear men! How many times has it happened: for example, you lost a flash drive in your bag, you can’t find it. They said "Damn it," a couple more strong words, finally found it. Cursed and forgotten, because it became easier. They left for work. You communicate with colleagues, drink coffee, laugh, solve current problems. You already forgot about this flash drive and about this briefly said "Damn it." It was just a way to let off steam and move on. With you - the whole world, rich in impressions, many people, interesting places.
And the wife stays at home alone with the children. And she has to live with this dropped phrase all day long. Because that was the only thing she heard from you in a day. She will now cry all day. She will remember everything. That you didn't talk to the child. That you didn't notice the tasty chop. That you don’t enjoy being at home at all, don’t spend time together. She sits and cries and cannot even iron her clothes. You come in the evening and see a mess. Because everything fell out of her hands because of this morning curse.
You add to her for the mess. You say that you plow all day and deserve comfort. Briefly say that she is a bad housewife and a bad teacher, since she cannot get the child to go to bed on time.
She falls asleep with the thought that you don't love her.
And you have nothing to blame. You solve a thousand problems! You are really tired. And aren't you doing this out of love? Out of love, of course.
But please don't solve all the problems. Let them somehow decide on their own, without you. Just don't leave your wife alone. Let you be better together, but with problems, than she will be without problems, but all alone. Hug her...
