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Capek Karel
Big doctor's tale
Karel Capek
Big doctor's tale
In ancient times, the magician Madiyash had his workshop on Mount Geishovine. As you know, there are good wizards, the so-called sorcerers or sorcerers, and evil wizards, called warlocks. Madiyash was, one might say, average: sometimes he behaved so modestly that he did not conjure at all, and sometimes he conjured with all his might, so that everything around him thundered and shone. Then he would get into his head to pour stone rain on the ground, and once he got to the point that he made it rain from tiny frogs. In a word, as you wish, but such a magician is not a very pleasant neighbor, and even though people swore that they did not believe in magicians, they nevertheless strove to bypass Geishovina every time, and if at the same time they said that through it further and into to walk high up the mountain, so only in order not to admit to your fear of Madiyash ...
Once this same Madiyash was sitting in front of his cave and eating plums - big ones, blue-black, covered with silver hoarfrost, and in the cave his assistant, freckled Vincek, was really called: Vincek Nikliczek from Zlichka, - boiled magic resin potions on fire , sulfur, valerian, mandrake, snake root, centaury, thorn needles and devil's roots, kolomazi and hellish stone, tryn-grass, aqua regia, goat droppings, wasp stings, rat whiskers, paws of night moths, Zanzibar seed and all sorts of witch roots , impurities, potions and Chernobyl. And Madiyash only watched freckled Vincek work and ate plums. But either poor old Vincek interfered badly, or something else, only these drugs in his cauldron were burnt, steamed, overcooked, overboiled, or somehow overcooked, and a terrible stench came from them.
"Oh, you clumsy penny!" - Madiyash wanted to shout at her, but in a hurry he confused which throat to swallow, or the plum in his mouth was mistaken - it got into the wrong throat, he only swallowed this plum along with the stone, and the stone got stuck in his throat - not out, not inside. And Madiyash only had time to bark: "Oh, you're penny ...", and then it didn't work out: his voice was immediately lost. Only wheezing and hoarseness is heard, as if steam hisses in a pot. His face was filled with blood, he was waving his hands, choking, but the bone neither here nor there: firmly, firmly settled in the throat.
Seeing this, Vintsek was terribly afraid that Father Madiyash would not suffocate to death; says emphatically:
- Wait a minute, master, I'm running to Gronovo for a doctor.
And set off down from Geishovina; it’s a pity no one was there to measure his speed: it would probably have turned out to be a world record for long-distance running.
He ran to Gronov, to the doctor - he could hardly take a breath. He finally caught his breath and began to frequent, like scattered peas:
- Mr. doctor, please now, only now! - to Mr. Magician Madiyash, otherwise he will suffocate. Well, I ran, damn it!
- To Madiyash on Geyshovina? growled the Gronovsky doctor. “To be honest, I really don’t want to. But suddenly I desperately need it; what will I do then?
And went. You see, the doctor cannot refuse help to anyone, even if he is called to the robber Lotrando or to (God forgive him!) Lucifer himself. There's nothing to be done: such is the occupation, the doctorate is the very thing.
So the Gronovian doctor took his doctor's bag with all the doctor's knives, and tongs for teeth, and bandages, and powders, and ointments, and splints for fractures, and other doctor's tools, and went after Vincek to Geishovina.
- Let's not be late! freckled Vincek was worried all the time.
And so they walked - one, two, one, two - over the mountains, over the valleys, - one, two, one, two - over the swamps, - one, two, one, two - over the gullies, until the freckled Vincek said at last:
- So, Mr. Doctor, we have come!
“I have the honor, Mr. Madiyash,” said the Gronian doctor. - Well, where does it hurt you?
The magician Madiyash in response only wheezed, hissed, sniffed, pointing to his throat, where it got stuck.
- Yes, sir. In the throat? - said the Gronovsky doctor. Let's see what kind of bobo is there. Open your mouth properly, Mr. Madiyash, and say ah-ah-ah...
The magician Madiyash, having removed the hair of his black beard from his mouth, opened his mouth to its full extent, but he could not pronounce aaaa: there was no voice.
- Well, ah-ah-ah, - the doctor tried to help him. - Why are you silent? .. Uh-uh, - continued this rogue, this fox patrikeevna, grated kalach, scorched swindler, blowing beast, having conceived something. - Uh-uh, Mr. Madiyash, your business is bad, if you can’t say a-a-a. I don't know what to do with you?
And let Madiyasha inspect and tap out. And he feels his pulse, and makes him stick out his tongue, and twists his eyelids, and in his ears, in his nose he highlights with a mirror, and under his breath he mutters Latin words.
Having finished with the medical examination, he assumed an important air and said:
- The situation is very serious, Mr. Madiyash. An immediate operation is needed. But I cannot and will not dare to do it alone: I need assistants. If you agree to be operated on, then you will have to send for my colleagues in Upica, Kostelec and Hořice; as soon as they are here, I will arrange a medical conference or consultation with them, and then, after a mature discussion, we will perform the appropriate surgical intervention, or operatic operandi. Think it over, Mr. Madiyash, and if you accept my proposal, send an agile messenger for my highly respected scientific colleagues.
What was Madiyash to do? He nodded to the freckled Vincek, who stomped three times to make it easier to run and with all his might - down the slope of Geishovina! First to Gorzicki, then to Upice, then to Kostelec. And let him run for now.
ABOUT PRINCESS SULEIMAN
While the freckled Vincek was running to Hořichki, to Upitsa, to Kostelec for doctors, the Gronovsky doctor sat at the wizard Madiyash and made sure that he did not suffocate. To pass the time he lit a Virginian cigar and sucked it silently. And when he was really tired of waiting, he coughed and smoked again. And then he yawns and blinks three times to pass the time somehow. Or sighed:
- Oh-ho-ho!
Half an hour later he stretched and said:
- Eh!
After an hour he added:
- In the cards would be thrown. Do you have maps, Mr. Madiyas?
The magician Madiyash could not speak, he just shook his head.
- Not? growled the Gronovsky doctor. - It's a pity. What kind of wizard are you after that, if you don’t have cards! Here in our tavern, a magician gave a performance ... Wait a minute. What was his name? Either Navratil, or Don Bosco, or Magorlo ... Something like that ... So he cut such miracles with cards, well, just - you look and you don’t believe your eyes ... Yes, conjuring - skill is needed .
He lit a new cigar and went on:
- Well, if you don't have any cards, I'll tell you a fairy tale about the Princess of Suleiman, so that it wouldn't be so boring. If you happen to know this fairy tale, just say so, and I will stop. Jindilin! Begins.
As you know, behind the Magpie Mountains and the Sea of \u200b\u200bMilk and Kissel are the Gingerbread Islands, and behind them is the Sharivari desert overgrown with dense forest with the gypsy main city of Eldorado. Further, the meridian with a parallel stretches in all directions. Immediately across the river, just cross the bridge and along the path to the left, behind a willow bush and a ditch with burdock, the great and mighty Sultanate of Suleiman sprawled. There you are at home!
In the Suleiman Sultanate, as the name itself shows, Sultan Suleiman ruled. This Sultan had an only daughter named Zobeida. And for no reason at all, Princess Zobeide began to get sick, unwell, cough. She was stunted, thinner, sicker, turned pale, languished, sighed - well, it’s just a pity to look. The Sultan, of course, rather calls his court magicians, spellcasters, wizards, old witches, magicians and astrologers, healers and charlatans, barbers, paramedics and horse-dressers, but not one of them could cure the princess. If it were with us, I would have shown that the girl had anemia, pleurisy and catarrh of the bronchi; but in the country of Suleiman there is no such culture, and medicine there has not yet reached the level where diseases with Latin names could appear. So you can imagine how desperate the old Sultan was. “Oh, Monte Cristo!” he thought. “I was so glad that my daughter inherited a prosperous Sultan’s company after my death. And she, poor thing, melts like a candle before my eyes, and I can’t help her in anything!”
And sorrow seized the whole great country of Suleiman.
And at that time, a certain Mr. Lustig, a certain Mr. Lustig, arrived there in a delivery from Jablonce. He heard about the sick princess and said:
- It would be necessary for the Sultan to call a doctor from us, from Europe; because our medicine has gone far ahead of yours. You have only spellcasters here, greengrocers and healers; and we have real scientists doctors.
Sultan Suleiman found out about this, called this same Mr. Lustig to him, bought a string of glass beads from him for Princess Zobeida and asked:
- How do you, Mr. Lustig, recognize a real scientific doctor?
“Very simple,” he replied. - After all, he always has a "dr" in front of his surname. For example, Dr. Mann, Dr. Pelnář and so on. And if this "dr" is not there, it means that he is an unlearned person. Do you understand?
- Yeah, - said the Sultan and generously rewarded Mr. Lustig with sultans. These are, you know, such glorious highlights.
And then he sent ambassadors to Europe for a doctor.
“Just don't forget,” he told them before they set off, “that a real scientific doctor is only one whose last name begins with the letters "Dr." Do not bring another, otherwise I will cut off your ears along with your head. Well, march!
If I took it into my head to retell to you, Mr. Madiyash, everything that these messengers experienced and endured while they reached Europe, the story would turn out to be too long. But after long, long ordeals, they nevertheless reached Europe and began to look for a doctor for Princess Zobeida.
A procession of Suleiman ambassadors set off on their way in wonderful Mameluke robes, in turbans and, with long, thick, like horse tails, mustaches under their noses, through a dark forest.
They walked, walked - suddenly an uncle with an ax and a saw on his shoulder met them.
“God bless you,” he greeted them.
“Thank you for your kind words,” the ambassadors replied. - Who are you, uncle?
"I'm a lumberjack, if you please," he explained.
The infidels pricked up their ears.
- Wow, what a deal! Since you, Your Excellency, Dr. Ovosek, would like to be, we ask you monumentally, subito and presto, to go with us to the Suleiman country. Sultan Suleiman earnestly asks and respectfully invites you to his palace. But if you begin to make excuses or make excuses under some pretext, we will take you away by force. So, your honor, do not contradict us!
- That's the thing, - the woodcutter was surprised. What does the Sultan want from me?
“He has some work for you,” the ambassadors replied.
“I agree,” says the woodcutter. - I'm just looking for a job. And I must tell you, I'm a fighter for work. The ambassadors winked.
“Your scholarship,” they say, “is just what we need.
“Wait a minute,” said the woodcutter. - First I want to know how much the Sultan will pay me for the work. I don't tremble over money, yes, maybe he trembles.
To this the ambassadors of the Sultan of Suleiman replied courteously:
- It does not matter, Your Excellency, that you do not deign to be Dr. Ozhu, Dr. Ovosek is quite suitable for us. And as for our sovereign - Sultan Suleiman, I assure you, he is not Dr. Ozhit, but an ordinary ruler and tyrant.
“Well, all right,” said the woodcutter. - And what about grubs as? I eat like a dragon and drink like a dromedary.
“We will arrange everything, dear one, so that you are satisfied in this respect too,” the Suleimans reassured him.
After that, they took the woodcutter with great honor and glory to the ship and sailed with him to the Suleiman country. As soon as they sailed, Sultan Suleiman quickly ascended the throne and ordered them to be brought to him. The ambassadors knelt before him, and the eldest and mustachioed began thus:
- Our most merciful sovereign and lord, the prince of all the faithful, Mr. Sultan Suleiman! By your high order, we went to the island called Europe, in order to find there the most learned, wisest and most glorious doctor who should heal Princess Zobeida. And we brought him, sir. This is the famous, world famous doctor Dr. Ovosek. To give you an idea of what kind of doctor this is, I'll tell you that he works like Dr. Ach, he needs to be paid like Dr. Ozhu, he eats like Dr. Akon, and drinks like Dr. Omader. And all these are also glorious, learned doctors, sir. So it's pretty clear we've stumbled upon the one we need. Hm, hm. In general, that's all.
- Welcome, Dr. Ovosek! - said Sultan Suleiman - I ask you to examine my daughter Princess Zobeida.
"Why not," thought the woodcutter.
The Sultan himself took him to a shaded, semi-dark room, lined with the most beautiful carpets, feather beds and down-padded coats, on which Princess Zobeida reclined half asleep, pale as a sheet.
- Ai-ai-ai, - said the woodcutter with compassion, - your daughter, Mr. Sultan, is exactly a blade of grass.
“It’s just trouble,” the Sultan sighed.
- What a frail, - said the woodcutter. - You see, she's completely exhausted?
“Yes, yes,” the Sultan confirmed sadly. - He doesn't eat anything.
“Thin as a chip,” said the woodcutter. - Like some kind of rag lies. And in the face - not a blood, Mr. Sultan. I guess... very sick.
“Very, very ill,” the Sultan said dejectedly. - That's why I called you to cure her, Dr. Ovosek.
- I? - the woodcutter was surprised - The power of the cross is with us! How can I treat her?
“That’s your business,” Sultan Suleiman answered in a dull voice. - That's why you're here; and there is nothing to talk about. But keep in mind if you don’t put her on her feet, I’ll take off your head and - the end!
- This case will not work, - the frightened woodcutter began, but Sultan Suleiman did not let him utter a word.
- No talking, - he continued sternly - I have no time - I have to go to rule the country. Get down to business and show your art. And he went and sat on the throne and began to rule. "Bad story," thought the woodcutter, left alone. "They'll take the head off my shoulders. If all this wasn't in a fairy tale, I would say that it's no good - to chop people's heads off for nothing! And the devil pulled me into a fairy tale! It's just that nothing like this would happen to me in my life happened. By God, I myself am even curious how I will get out.
With such and even more gloomy thoughts, the woodcutter went and sat down, sighing, on the threshold of the Sultan's castle.
“Damn it!” he thought. “Well, why on earth do they force me to play a doctor here? If they instructed me to fell this or that tree over there, I would show them what I’m worth! "And I'm looking at something, it's painfully thick trees grow around their house, exactly in a deaf forest. The sun will not look into the room. Terrible, I suppose, dampness in the hut - mushroom, mold, wood lice! Wait, I'll show them my work!" "
No sooner said than done. He took off his jacket, spat on his palms, grabbed an ax, a saw, and let's cut down the trees that grew around the Sultan's castle. Yes, not pears, apple trees and walnuts, like ours, but all palm trees, but oleanders, yes coconuts, dracaena, patchwork, yes ficuses, yes mahogany, yes those trees that grow under the sky, and other overseas greenery. If you only saw, Mr. Madiyash, how our woodcutter attacked them! When noon struck, there was a decent clearing around the castle. The woodcutter wiped the sweat from his face with his sleeve, took out of his pocket a loaf of black bread with cottage cheese, taken from home, and began to eat.
And Princess Zobeida slept all this time in her dimly lit room. And she had never slept so sweetly as to the noise that the woodcutter near the castle raised with his ax and saw.
She was awakened by the silence that came after the woodcutter stopped felling trees and, sitting on a pile of firewood, began to chew bread with cottage cheese.
The princess opened her eyes - she was surprised - why did it suddenly become so light in the room? For the first time in my life, the sun peeped into a dark room and flooded it all with heavenly light. The princess was simply blinded by this stream of light. In addition, such a strong and pleasant smell of freshly chopped firewood poured through the window that the princess began to breathe deeply, with pleasure. And this resinous smell was mixed with another, which the princess did not know at all. What does it smell like? She got up from sleep, went to the window - to look: instead of damp dusk, a clearing flooded with midday sun; some hefty uncle sits there and eats something black and something white with appetite; and it just smelled so good. You know that the tastiest thing smells like what other people eat.
Then the princess could not stand it any longer: this smell pulled her down, out of the castle, closer to her uncle at dinner to see what he was eating.
- Oh, princess! said the woodcutter with his mouth full. Would you like a piece of bread with cottage cheese?
The princess blushed and was embarrassed: she was ashamed to admit that, they say, she really wants to try.
“Nate,” muttered the woodcutter and cut off a decent piece with a crooked knife. - Hold on.
The princess glanced around: is anyone looking?
"Shit," she murmured in gratitude. Then, having taken a bite, she exclaimed: - Mmm, what a charm!
You understand, princesses never see bread with cottage cheese in their lives.
Just then, Sultan Suleiman himself looked out the window. And I couldn’t believe my eyes: instead of the damp twilight, there was a bright clearing, flooded with the midday sun, and a princess was sitting on a pile of firewood and gobbling up something on both cheeks, - from ear to ear, a white mustache from cottage cheese, - and with such appetite writes down what she never had.
- Thank you Lord! Sultan Suleiman sighed with relief. - So, my fellows brought me a real, scientific doctor!
And since then, Mr. Madiyash, the princess really began to get better; a blush appeared on her cheeks, and she began to eat like a wolf cub. All this is under the influence of light, air, sun: keep in mind, I told you about this because you also live in a cave where the sun does not look and the wind does not reach. And this, Mr. Madiyash, is harmful to health. That's what I wanted to tell you.
As soon as the doctor from Gronov had finished his tale of the Princess Suleimanskaya, the freckled Vincek came running, leading the doctor from Hořicek, the doctor from Ulitsa, and the doctor from Kostelc.
- Brought! he shouted from a distance. - Oh, father, how he ran!
“Greetings, dear colleagues,” said the Gronov doctor. - Here is our patient, - Mr. Madiyash, a sorcerer. As you can see, his situation is very serious. The patient explains that he swallowed a plum or renclod pit. In my humble opinion, his illness is a transient renclotida.
“Hm, hm,” said the doctor from Hořicek. "I tend to think it's more of a suffocating Slithithid."
“Unfortunately, I cannot agree with my esteemed colleagues,” the Kostelets doctor said. - I would say that in this case we are dealing with guttural costitida.
“Gentlemen,” said the upitsky doctor, “perhaps we can all agree that Mr. Madiyash has a transient renclo-laryngeal osteokislivitis.
“Congratulations, Mr. Madiyas,” said the doctor from Hořicek. - This is a very serious, serious disease.
- An interesting case, - supported the doctor from Upice.
- I have, - answered the Kostelets doctor, - there have been more striking and curious cases. Have you heard how I saved Gogotal's life from Krakorka? Not? So I'll tell you now.
CASE WITH GOGOTAL
Many years ago Gogotalo lived in Krakorka. He was, I tell you, one of the most ugly monsters that ever existed in the world. Let's say a passer-by is walking through the forest - and suddenly something behind him will sniffle, mutter, yell, wail, howl, or laugh terribly. Of course, a passer-by has a soul in his heels, such fear will attack him, and he will start running, - he flies away, not remembering himself. And Gogotalo arranged it, and he did all these outrages on Krakorka for many years, so that people were afraid to go there at night.
Suddenly, an amazing little man comes to see me, one mouth, mouth from ear to ear, his neck wrapped in some kind of rag. And he hoots, wheezes, spit, growls, grunts, snores - well, you can’t make out a word from him.
- What are you complaining about? - I ask.
- With your permission, doctor, - he hoarses in response, I hoarse a little.
“I see,” I say. - Where are you from?
The patient scratched his head and croaked again:
- Yes, with your permission, I am Gogotalo from Mount Krakorka.
- Yeah, - I say. - So it's you - that rogue and cunning that scares people in the forest? Serve you right, my dear, that you lost your voice! Do you think that I will treat all your lari-da-pharyngitis or gatar kortani, that is, catarrh of the larynx - so that you cackle in the forest and bring people to convulsions! Well, no, wheeze and wheeze to yourself as much as you like. At least give others peace.
As Gogotalo implored here:
- For God's sake, doctor, cure me of this hoarseness. I'll be quiet, stop scaring people...
“I strongly recommend that you stop,” I say. - You just tore your vocal cords with your whooping, so you can’t speak. Do you understand? It's bad for you to yell in the forest, my dear. It's cold, damp, and your respiratory organs are too sensitive. I don't know if I'll be able to rid you of your catarrh, but you'll have to give up frightening passers-by once and for all and stay away from the forest, otherwise no one will cure you.
Gogotalo frowned and scratched behind his ear.
- It's hard. How will I live if I give up fright? After all, I only know how to whoop and roar, as long as in my voice.
“Dude,” I tell him. - With such a wonderful voice apparatus as you have, I would have entered the opera as a singer, otherwise I would have become a market trader or a circus barker. With such a magnificent powerful voice, it's just a shame to burrow in the village - what do you think? In the city you would find best use.
“I thought about it myself,” Gogotalo admitted. - Yes, I'll try to find another occupation; Here is only would voice return!
Well, I smeared his larynx with iodine, my lords, prescribed calcium chloride and potassium permanganate for rinsing, anginol inside and compresses on the throat. After that, Gogotala was not heard from Krakorka again. He really moved somewhere and stopped scaring people.
CASE WITH GAVLOVITSKY WATER
“I also had a curious medical case,” said the Upitsky doctor in his turn. - In Upa, behind the Gavlovitsky bridge, in the roots of willows and alders, there lived an old water man. His name was Yodgal Bruchga, a grumbler, a monster, unsociable; it happened that he arranged a flood and even drowned children while bathing. In a word, his presence in the river did not bring joy to anyone.
One autumn day, an old man in a green tailcoat and a red tie around his neck comes to see me; groans, sneezes, coughs, blows his nose, sighs, stretches, mutters:
- I caught a cold, dokhtur, I grabbed a runny nose. It hurts here, it hurts here, it hurts your back, it twists your joints, your whole chest is broken with a cough, your nose is stuffed up so that you can’t breathe. Help me please.
I listened to him and said:
- You have rheumatism, grandfather; I will give you this ointment, that is, linamentum, so that you know; but ego is not everything. You need to be in a warm, dry room, you know?
“I understand,” the old man grumbled. - Only at the expense of dryness and warmth, young master, will not work.
- Why won't it come out? - I ask.
“Because, Mr. Dokhtur, I am a Gavchovitsky waterman,” the grandfather answers. - Well, how can I arrange it so that it is dry and warm in the water? After all, I have to wipe my nose with water. I sleep in the water and cover myself with water. Only now, in his old age, he began to make a bed for himself from soft water instead of hard water, so that it would not be so hard to lie. And about dryness and heat - it is difficult.
- There's nothing you can do, grandfather. In cold water with such rheumatism it is not good for you to be. Old bones require warmth. How old are you, mister water?
"Oh, ho," muttered the old man. - After all, Mr. Dokhtur, I have been living in the world since pagan times. It turns out several thousand years, and even more. Yes, he lived a lot!
“You see,” I said. - At your age, grandfather, you should be closer to the stove. Wait, I've got an idea! Have you heard of hot keys?
- Heard, how not to hear, - grumbled the merman. - Well, there aren't any here.
- Not here, but there is in Teplice, in Pishtyany, and somewhere else. Only deep underground. And these hot springs, keep in mind, seem to have been purposely created for old watermen with rheumatism. You will simply settle in such a hot spring as a local water one, and at the same time you will treat your rheumatism.
- Hm, hm, - said the grandfather in indecision. - And what are the duties of the water hot springs?
“Not particularly difficult,” I say. - serve all the time hot water up, not letting it cool down. And release the excess to the earth's surface. That's all.
- It would be nothing, - grumbled the Gavlovitsky waterman. - Well, I'll look for some such key.

Capek Karel

Big doctor's tale

Karel Capek

Big doctor's tale

Once this same Madiyash was sitting in front of his cave and eating plums - big ones, blue-black, covered with silver hoarfrost, and in the cave his assistant, freckled Vincek, was really called: Vincek Nikliczek from Zlichka, - boiled magic resin potions on fire , sulfur, valerian, mandrake, snake root, centaury, thorn needles and devil's roots, kolomazi and hellish stone, tryn-grass, aqua regia, goat droppings, wasp stings, rat whiskers, paws of night moths, Zanzibar seed and all sorts of witch roots , impurities, potions and Chernobyl. And Madiyash only watched freckled Vincek work and ate plums. But either poor old Vincek interfered badly, or something else, only these drugs in his cauldron were burnt, steamed, overcooked, overboiled, or somehow overcooked, and a terrible stench came from them.

"Oh, you clumsy penny!" - Madiyash wanted to shout at her, but in a hurry he confused which throat to swallow, or the plum in his mouth was mistaken - it got into the wrong throat, he only swallowed this plum along with the stone, and the stone got stuck in his throat - not out, not inside. And Madiyash only had time to bark: "Oh, you're penny ...", and then it didn't work out: his voice was immediately lost. Only wheezing and hoarseness is heard, as if steam hisses in a pot. His face was filled with blood, he was waving his hands, choking, but the bone neither here nor there: firmly, firmly settled in the throat.

Seeing this, Vintsek was terribly afraid that Father Madiyash would not suffocate to death; says emphatically:

Wait, master, I'm running to Gronovo for a doctor.

And set off down from Geishovina; it’s a pity no one was there to measure his speed: it would probably have turned out to be a world record for long-distance running.

He ran to Gronov, to the doctor - he could hardly take a breath. He finally caught his breath and began to frequent, like scattered peas:

Doctor, please now, just now! - to Mr. Magician Madiyash, otherwise he will suffocate. Well, I ran, damn it!

To Madiyash on Geishovina? growled the Gronovsky doctor. “To be honest, I really don’t want to. But suddenly I desperately need it; what will I do then?

And went. You see, the doctor cannot refuse help to anyone, even if he is called to the robber Lotrando or to (God forgive him!) Lucifer himself. There's nothing to be done: such is the occupation, the doctorate is the very thing.

So the Gronovian doctor took his doctor's bag with all the doctor's knives, and tongs for teeth, and bandages, and powders, and ointments, and splints for fractures, and other doctor's tools, and went after Vincek to Geishovina.

If only we weren't late! freckled Vincek was worried all the time.

And so they walked - one, two, one, two - over the mountains, over the valleys, - one, two, one, two - over the swamps, - one, two, one, two - over the gullies, until the freckled Vincek said at last:

So, doctor, we've come!

I have the honor, Mr. Madiyash, - said the Gronovsky doctor. - Well, where does it hurt you?

The magician Madiyash in response only wheezed, hissed, sniffed, pointing to his throat, where it got stuck.

Yes, sir. In the throat? - said the Gronovsky doctor. Let's see what kind of bobo is there. Open your mouth properly, Mr. Madiyash, and say ah-ah-ah...

The magician Madiyash, having removed the hair of his black beard from his mouth, opened his mouth to its full extent, but he could not pronounce aaaa: there was no voice.

Well, ah-ah-ah, - the doctor tried to help him. - Why are you silent? .. Uh-uh, - continued this rogue, this fox patrikeevna, grated kalach, scorched swindler, blowing beast, having conceived something. - Uh-uh, Mr. Madiyash, your business is bad, if you can’t say a-a-a. I don't know what to do with you?

And let Madiyasha inspect and tap out. And he feels his pulse, and makes him stick out his tongue, and twists his eyelids, and in his ears, in his nose he highlights with a mirror, and under his breath he mutters Latin words.

Having finished with the medical examination, he assumed an important air and said:

The situation is very serious, Mr Madiyas. An immediate operation is needed. But I cannot and will not dare to do it alone: I need assistants. If you agree to be operated on, then you will have to send for my colleagues in Upica, Kostelec and Hořice; as soon as they are here, I will arrange a medical conference or consultation with them, and then, after a mature discussion, we will perform the appropriate surgical intervention, or operatic operandi. Think it over, Mr. Madiyash, and if you accept my proposal, send an agile messenger for my highly respected scientific colleagues.

What was Madiyash to do? He nodded to the freckled Vincek, who stomped three times to make it easier to run and with all his might - down the slope of Geishovina! First to Gorzicki, then to Upice, then to Kostelec. And let him run for now.

ABOUT PRINCESS SULEIMAN

While the freckled Vincek was running to Hořichki, to Upitsa, to Kostelec for doctors, the Gronovsky doctor sat at the wizard Madiyash and made sure that he did not suffocate. To pass the time he lit a Virginian cigar and sucked it silently. And when he was really tired of waiting, he coughed and smoked again. And then he yawns and blinks three times to pass the time somehow. Or sighed:

Oh ho ho!

Half an hour later he stretched and said:

After an hour he added:

In the cards would be thrown. Do you have maps, Mr. Madiyas?

The magician Madiyash could not speak, he just shook his head.

Not? growled the Gronovsky doctor. - It's a pity. What kind of wizard are you after that, if you don’t have cards! Here in our tavern, a magician gave a performance ... Wait a minute. What was his name? Either Navratil, or Don Bosco, or Magorlo ... Something like that ... So he cut such miracles with cards, well, just - you look and you don’t believe your eyes ... Yes, conjuring - skill is needed .

In ancient times, the magician Madiyash had his workshop on Mount Geishovine. As you know, there are good wizards, the so-called sorcerers or sorcerers, and evil wizards, called warlocks. Madiyash was, one might say, average: sometimes he behaved so modestly that he did not conjure at all, and sometimes he conjured with all his might, so that everything around him thundered and shone. Then he would get into his head to pour stone rain on the ground, and once he got to the point that he made it rain from tiny frogs. In a word, as you wish, but such a magician is not a very pleasant neighbor, and even though people swore that they did not believe in magicians, they nevertheless strove to bypass Geishovina every time, and if at the same time they said that through it further and into to walk high up the mountain, so only in order not to admit to your fear of Madiyash ...
Once this same Madiyash was sitting in front of his cave and eating plums - big ones, blue-black, covered with silver hoarfrost, and in the cave his assistant, freckled Vincek, was really called: Vincek Nikliczek from Zlichka, - boiled magic resin potions on fire , sulfur, valerian, mandrake, snake root, centaury, thorn needles and devil's roots, kolomazi and hellish stone, tryn-grass, aqua regia, goat droppings, wasp stings, rat whiskers, paws of night moths, Zanzibar seed and all sorts of witch roots , impurities, potions and Chernobyl. And Madiyash only watched freckled Vincek work and ate plums. But either poor old Vincek interfered badly, or something else, only these drugs in his cauldron were burnt, steamed, overcooked, overboiled, or somehow overcooked, and a terrible stench came from them.
"Oh, you clumsy penny!" - Madiyash wanted to shout at her, but in a hurry he confused which throat to swallow, or the plum in his mouth was mistaken - it got into the wrong throat, he only swallowed this plum along with the stone, and the stone got stuck in his throat - not out, not inside. And Madiyash only had time to bark: "Oh, you're penny ...", and then it didn't work out: his voice was immediately lost. Only wheezing and hoarseness is heard, as if steam hisses in a pot. His face was filled with blood, he was waving his hands, choking, but the bone neither here nor there: firmly, firmly settled in the throat.
Seeing this, Vintsek was terribly afraid that Father Madiyash would not suffocate to death; says emphatically:
- Wait a minute, master, I'm running to Gronovo for a doctor.
And set off down from Geishovina; it’s a pity no one was there to measure his speed: it would probably have turned out to be a world record for long-distance running.
He ran to Gronov, to the doctor - he could hardly take a breath. He finally caught his breath and began to frequent, like scattered peas:
- Mr. doctor, please now, only now! - to Mr. Magician Madiyash, otherwise he will suffocate. Well, I ran, damn it!
- To Madiyash on Geyshovina? growled the Gronovsky doctor. “To be honest, I really don’t want to. But suddenly I desperately need it; what will I do then?
And went. You see, the doctor cannot refuse help to anyone, even if he is called to the robber Lotrando or to (God forgive him!) Lucifer himself. There's nothing to be done: such is the occupation, the doctorate is the very thing.
So the Gronovian doctor took his doctor's bag with all the doctor's knives, and tongs for teeth, and bandages, and powders, and ointments, and splints for fractures, and other doctor's tools, and went after Vincek to Geishovina.
- Let's not be late! freckled Vincek was worried all the time.
And so they walked - one, two, one, two - over the mountains, over the valleys, - one, two, one, two - over the swamps, - one, two, one, two - over the gullies, until the freckled Vincek said at last:
- So, Mr. Doctor, we have come!
“I have the honor, Mr. Madiyash,” said the Gronian doctor. - Well, where does it hurt you?
The magician Madiyash in response only wheezed, hissed, sniffed, pointing to his throat, where it got stuck.
- Yes, sir. In the throat? - said the Gronovsky doctor. Let's see what kind of bobo is there. Open your mouth properly, Mr. Madiyash, and say ah-ah-ah...
The magician Madiyash, having removed the hair of his black beard from his mouth, opened his mouth to its full extent, but he could not pronounce aaaa: there was no voice.
- Well, ah-ah-ah, - the doctor tried to help him. - Why are you silent? .. Uh-uh, - continued this rogue, this fox patrikeevna, grated kalach, scorched swindler, blowing beast, having conceived something. - Uh-uh, Mr. Madiyash, your business is bad, if you can’t say a-a-a. I don't know what to do with you?
And let Madiyasha inspect and tap out. And he feels his pulse, and makes him stick out his tongue, and twists his eyelids, and in his ears, in his nose he highlights with a mirror, and under his breath he mutters Latin words.
Having finished with the medical examination, he assumed an important air and said:
- The situation is very serious, Mr. Madiyash. An immediate operation is needed. But I cannot and will not dare to do it alone: I need assistants. If you agree to be operated on, then you will have to send for my colleagues in Upica, Kostelec and Hořice; as soon as they are here, I will arrange a medical conference or consultation with them, and then, after a mature discussion, we will perform the appropriate surgical intervention, or operatic operandi. Think it over, Mr. Madiyash, and if you accept my proposal, send an agile messenger for my highly respected scientific colleagues.
What was Madiyash to do? He nodded to the freckled Vincek, who stomped three times to make it easier to run and with all his might - down the slope of Geishovina! First to Gorzicki, then to Upice, then to Kostelec. And let him run for now.
ABOUT PRINCESS SULEIMAN
While the freckled Vincek was running to Hořichki, to Upitsa, to Kostelec for doctors, the Gronovsky doctor sat at the wizard Madiyash and made sure that he did not suffocate. To pass the time he lit a Virginian cigar and sucked it silently. And when he was really tired of waiting, he coughed and smoked again. And then he yawns and blinks three times to pass the time somehow. Or sighed:
- Oh-ho-ho!
Half an hour later he stretched and said:
- Eh!
After an hour he added:
- In the cards would be thrown. Do you have maps, Mr. Madiyas?
The magician Madiyash could not speak, he just shook his head.
- Not? growled the Gronovsky doctor. - It's a pity. What kind of wizard are you after that, if you don’t have cards! Here in our tavern, a magician gave a performance ... Wait a minute. What was his name? Either Navratil, or Don Bosco, or Magorlo ... Something like that ... So he cut such miracles with cards, well, just - you look and you don’t believe your eyes ... Yes, conjuring - skill is needed .
He lit a new cigar and went on:
- Well, if you don't have any cards, I'll tell you a fairy tale about the Princess of Suleiman, so that it wouldn't be so boring. If you happen to know this fairy tale, just say so, and I will stop. Jindilin! Begins.
As you know, behind the Magpie Mountains and the Sea of \u200b\u200bMilk and Kissel are the Gingerbread Islands, and behind them is the Sharivari desert overgrown with dense forest with the gypsy main city of Eldorado. Further, the meridian with a parallel stretches in all directions. Immediately across the river, just cross the bridge and along the path to the left, behind a willow bush and a ditch with burdock, the great and mighty Sultanate of Suleiman sprawled. There you are at home!
In the Suleiman Sultanate, as the name itself shows, Sultan Suleiman ruled. This Sultan had an only daughter named Zobeida. And for no reason at all, Princess Zobeide began to get sick, unwell, cough. She was stunted, thinner, sicker, turned pale, languished, sighed - well, it’s just a pity to look. The Sultan, of course, rather calls his court magicians, spellcasters, wizards, old witches, magicians and astrologers, healers and charlatans, barbers, paramedics and horse-dressers, but not one of them could cure the princess. If it were with us, I would have shown that the girl had anemia, pleurisy and catarrh of the bronchi; but in the country of Suleiman there is no such culture, and medicine there has not yet reached the level where diseases with Latin names could appear. So you can imagine how desperate the old Sultan was. “Oh, Monte Cristo!” he thought. “I was so glad that my daughter inherited a prosperous Sultan’s company after my death. And she, poor thing, melts like a candle before my eyes, and I can’t help her in anything!”
And sorrow seized the whole great country of Suleiman.
And at that time, a certain Mr. Lustig, a certain Mr. Lustig, arrived there in a delivery from Jablonce. He heard about the sick princess and said:
- It would be necessary for the Sultan to call a doctor from us, from Europe; because our medicine has gone far ahead of yours. You have only spellcasters here, greengrocers and healers; and we have real scientists doctors.
Sultan Suleiman found out about this, called this same Mr. Lustig to him, bought a string of glass beads from him for Princess Zobeida and asked:
- How do you, Mr. Lustig, recognize a real scientific doctor?
“Very simple,” he replied. - After all, he always has a "dr" in front of his surname. For example, Dr. Mann, Dr. Pelnář and so on. And if this "dr" is not there, it means that he is an unlearned person. Do you understand?
- Yeah, - said the Sultan and generously rewarded Mr. Lustig with sultans. These are, you know, such glorious highlights.
And then he sent ambassadors to Europe for a doctor.
“Just don't forget,” he told them before they set off, “that a real scientific doctor is only one whose last name begins with the letters "Dr." Do not bring another, otherwise I will cut off your ears along with your head. Well, march!
If I took it into my head to retell to you, Mr. Madiyash, everything that these messengers experienced and endured while they reached Europe, the story would turn out to be too long. But after long, long ordeals, they nevertheless reached Europe and began to look for a doctor for Princess Zobeida.
A procession of Suleiman ambassadors set off on their way in wonderful Mameluke robes, in turbans and, with long, thick, like horse tails, mustaches under their noses, through a dark forest.
They walked, walked - suddenly an uncle with an ax and a saw on his shoulder met them.
“God bless you,” he greeted them.
“Thank you for your kind words,” the ambassadors replied. - Who are you, uncle?
"I'm a lumberjack, if you please," he explained.
The infidels pricked up their ears.
- Wow, what a deal! Since you, Your Excellency, Dr. Ovosek, would like to be, we ask you monumentally, subito and presto, to go with us to the Suleiman country. Sultan Suleiman earnestly asks and respectfully invites you to his palace. But if you begin to make excuses or make excuses under some pretext, we will take you away by force. So, your honor, do not contradict us!
- That's the thing, - the woodcutter was surprised. What does the Sultan want from me?
“He has some work for you,” the ambassadors replied.
“I agree,” says the woodcutter. - I'm just looking for a job. And I must tell you, I'm a fighter for work. The ambassadors winked.
“Your scholarship,” they say, “is just what we need.
“Wait a minute,” said the woodcutter. - First I want to know how much the Sultan will pay me for the work. I don't tremble over money, yes, maybe he trembles.
To this the ambassadors of the Sultan of Suleiman replied courteously:
- It does not matter, Your Excellency, that you do not deign to be Dr. Ozhu, Dr. Ovosek is quite suitable for us. And as for our sovereign - Sultan Suleiman, I assure you, he is not Dr. Ozhit, but an ordinary ruler and tyrant.
“Well, all right,” said the woodcutter. - And what about grubs as? I eat like a dragon and drink like a dromedary.
“We will arrange everything, dear one, so that you are satisfied in this respect too,” the Suleimans reassured him.
After that, they took the woodcutter with great honor and glory to the ship and sailed with him to the Suleiman country. As soon as they sailed, Sultan Suleiman quickly ascended the throne and ordered them to be brought to him. The ambassadors knelt before him, and the eldest and mustachioed began thus:
- Our most merciful sovereign and lord, the prince of all the faithful, Mr. Sultan Suleiman!
By your high order, we went to the island called Europe, in order to find there the most learned, wisest and most glorious doctor who should heal Princess Zobeida. And we brought him, sir. This is the famous, world famous doctor Dr. Ovosek. To give you an idea of what kind of doctor this is, I'll tell you that he works like Dr. Ach, he needs to be paid like Dr. Ozhu, he eats like Dr. Akon, and drinks like Dr. Omader. And all these are also glorious, learned doctors, sir. So it's pretty clear we've stumbled upon the one we need. Hm, hm. In general, that's all.
- Welcome, Dr. Ovosek! - said Sultan Suleiman - I ask you to examine my daughter Princess Zobeida.
"Why not," thought the woodcutter.
The Sultan himself took him to a shaded, semi-dark room, lined with the most beautiful carpets, feather beds and down-padded coats, on which Princess Zobeida reclined half asleep, pale as a sheet.
- Ai-ai-ai, - said the woodcutter with compassion, - your daughter, Mr. Sultan, is exactly a blade of grass.
“It’s just trouble,” the Sultan sighed.
- What a frail, - said the woodcutter. - You see, she's completely exhausted?
“Yes, yes,” the Sultan confirmed sadly. - He doesn't eat anything.
“Thin as a chip,” said the woodcutter. - Like some kind of rag lies. And in the face - not a blood, Mr. Sultan. I guess... very sick.
“Very, very ill,” the Sultan said dejectedly. - That's why I called you to cure her, Dr. Ovosek.
- I? - the woodcutter was surprised - The power of the cross is with us! How can I treat her?
“That’s your business,” Sultan Suleiman answered in a dull voice. - That's why you're here; and there is nothing to talk about. But keep in mind if you don’t put her on her feet, I’ll take off your head and - the end!
- This case will not work, - the frightened woodcutter began, but Sultan Suleiman did not let him utter a word.
- No talking, - he continued sternly - I have no time - I have to go to rule the country. Get down to business and show your art. And he went and sat on the throne and began to rule. "Bad story," thought the woodcutter, left alone. "They'll take the head off my shoulders. If all this wasn't in a fairy tale, I would say that it's no good - to chop people's heads off for nothing! And the devil pulled me into a fairy tale! It's just that nothing like this would happen to me in my life happened. By God, I myself am even curious how I will get out.
With such and even more gloomy thoughts, the woodcutter went and sat down, sighing, on the threshold of the Sultan's castle.
“Damn it!” he thought. “Well, why on earth do they force me to play a doctor here? If they instructed me to fell this or that tree over there, I would show them what I’m worth! "And I'm looking at something, it's painfully thick trees grow around their house, exactly in a deaf forest. The sun will not look into the room. Terrible, I suppose, dampness in the hut - mushroom, mold, wood lice! Wait, I'll show them my work!" "
No sooner said than done. He took off his jacket, spat on his palms, grabbed an ax, a saw, and let's cut down the trees that grew around the Sultan's castle. Yes, not pears, apple trees and walnuts, like ours, but all palm trees, but oleanders, yes coconuts, dracaena, patchwork, yes ficuses, yes mahogany, yes those trees that grow under the sky, and other overseas greenery. If you only saw, Mr. Madiyash, how our woodcutter attacked them! When noon struck, there was a decent clearing around the castle. The woodcutter wiped the sweat from his face with his sleeve, took out of his pocket a loaf of black bread with cottage cheese, taken from home, and began to eat.
And Princess Zobeida slept all this time in her dimly lit room. And she had never slept so sweetly as to the noise that the woodcutter near the castle raised with his ax and saw.
She was awakened by the silence that came after the woodcutter stopped felling trees and, sitting on a pile of firewood, began to chew bread with cottage cheese.
The princess opened her eyes - she was surprised - why did it suddenly become so light in the room? For the first time in my life, the sun peeped into a dark room and flooded it all with heavenly light. The princess was simply blinded by this stream of light. In addition, such a strong and pleasant smell of freshly chopped firewood poured through the window that the princess began to breathe deeply, with pleasure. And this resinous smell was mixed with another, which the princess did not know at all. What does it smell like? She got up from sleep, went to the window - to look: instead of damp dusk, a clearing flooded with midday sun; some hefty uncle sits there and eats something black and something white with appetite; and it just smelled so good. You know that the tastiest thing smells like what other people eat.
Then the princess could not stand it any longer: this smell pulled her down, out of the castle, closer to her uncle at dinner to see what he was eating.
- Oh, princess! said the woodcutter with his mouth full. Would you like a piece of bread with cottage cheese?
The princess blushed and was embarrassed: she was ashamed to admit that, they say, she really wants to try.
“Nate,” muttered the woodcutter and cut off a decent piece with a crooked knife. - Hold on.
The princess glanced around: is anyone looking?
"Shit," she murmured in gratitude. Then, having taken a bite, she exclaimed: - Mmm, what a charm!
You understand, princesses never see bread with cottage cheese in their lives.
Just then, Sultan Suleiman himself looked out the window. And I couldn’t believe my eyes: instead of the damp twilight, there was a bright clearing, flooded with the midday sun, and a princess was sitting on a pile of firewood and gobbling up something on both cheeks, - from ear to ear, a white mustache from cottage cheese, - and with such appetite writes down what she never had.
- Thank you Lord! Sultan Suleiman sighed with relief. - So, my fellows brought me a real, scientific doctor!
And since then, Mr. Madiyash, the princess really began to get better; a blush appeared on her cheeks, and she began to eat like a wolf cub. All this is under the influence of light, air, sun: keep in mind, I told you about this because you also live in a cave where the sun does not look and the wind does not reach. And this, Mr. Madiyash, is harmful to health. That's what I wanted to tell you.
As soon as the doctor from Gronov had finished his tale of the Princess Suleimanskaya, the freckled Vincek came running, leading the doctor from Hořicek, the doctor from Ulitsa, and the doctor from Kostelc.
- Brought! he shouted from a distance. - Oh, father, how he ran!
“Greetings, dear colleagues,” said the Gronov doctor. - Here is our patient, - Mr. Madiyash, a sorcerer. As you can see, his situation is very serious. The patient explains that he swallowed a plum or renclod pit. In my humble opinion, his illness is a transient renclotida.
“Hm, hm,” said the doctor from Hořicek. "I tend to think it's more of a suffocating Slithithid."
“Unfortunately, I cannot agree with my esteemed colleagues,” the Kostelets doctor said. - I would say that in this case we are dealing with guttural costitida.
“Gentlemen,” said the upitsky doctor, “perhaps we can all agree that Mr. Madiyash has a transient renclo-laryngeal osteokislivitis.
“Congratulations, Mr. Madiyas,” said the doctor from Hořicek. - This is a very serious, serious disease.
- An interesting case, - supported the doctor from Upice.
- I have, - answered the Kostelets doctor, - there have been more striking and curious cases. Have you heard how I saved Gogotal's life from Krakorka? Not? So I'll tell you now.
CASE WITH GOGOTAL
Many years ago Gogotalo lived in Krakorka. He was, I tell you, one of the most ugly monsters that ever existed in the world. Let's say a passer-by is walking through the forest - and suddenly something behind him will sniffle, mutter, yell, wail, howl, or laugh terribly. Of course, a passer-by has a soul in his heels, such fear will attack him, and he will start running, - he flies away, not remembering himself. And Gogotalo arranged it, and he did all these outrages on Krakorka for many years, so that people were afraid to go there at night.
Suddenly, an amazing little man comes to see me, one mouth, mouth from ear to ear, his neck wrapped in some kind of rag. And he hoots, wheezes, spit, growls, grunts, snores - well, you can’t make out a word from him.
- What are you complaining about? - I ask.
- With your permission, doctor, - he hoarses in response, I hoarse a little.
“I see,” I say. - Where are you from?
The patient scratched his head and croaked again:
- Yes, with your permission, I am Gogotalo from Mount Krakorka.
- Yeah, - I say. - So it's you - that rogue and cunning that scares people in the forest? Serve you right, my dear, that you lost your voice! Do you think that I will treat all your lari-da-pharyngitis or gatar kortani, that is, catarrh of the larynx - so that you cackle in the forest and bring people to convulsions! Well, no, wheeze and wheeze to yourself as much as you like. At least give others peace.
oskakkah.ru - website
As Gogotalo implored here:
- For God's sake, doctor, cure me of this hoarseness. I'll be quiet, stop scaring people...
“I strongly recommend that you stop,” I say. - You just tore your vocal cords with your whooping, so you can’t speak. Do you understand? It's bad for you to yell in the forest, my dear. It's cold, damp, and your respiratory organs are too sensitive. I don't know if I'll be able to rid you of your catarrh, but you'll have to give up frightening passers-by once and for all and stay away from the forest, otherwise no one will cure you.
Gogotalo frowned and scratched behind his ear.
- It's hard. How will I live if I give up fright? After all, I only know how to whoop and roar, as long as in my voice.
“Dude,” I tell him. - With such a wonderful voice apparatus as you have, I would have entered the opera as a singer, otherwise I would have become a market trader or a circus barker. With such a magnificent powerful voice, it's just a shame to burrow in the village - what do you think? In the city you would find a better use.
“I thought about it myself,” Gogotalo admitted. - Yes, I'll try to find another occupation; Here is only would voice return!
Well, I smeared his larynx with iodine, my lords, prescribed calcium chloride and potassium permanganate for rinsing, anginol inside and compresses on the throat. After that, Gogotala was not heard from Krakorka again. He really moved somewhere and stopped scaring people.
CASE WITH GAVLOVITSKY WATER
“I also had a curious medical case,” said the Upitsky doctor in his turn. - In Upa, behind the Gavlovitsky bridge, in the roots of willows and alders, there lived an old water man. His name was Yodgal Bruchga, a grumbler, a monster, unsociable; it happened that he arranged a flood and even drowned children while bathing. In a word, his presence in the river did not bring joy to anyone.
One autumn day, an old man in a green tailcoat and a red tie around his neck comes to see me; groans, sneezes, coughs, blows his nose, sighs, stretches, mutters:
- I caught a cold, dokhtur, I grabbed a runny nose. It hurts here, it hurts here, it hurts your back, it twists your joints, your whole chest is broken with a cough, your nose is stuffed up so that you can’t breathe. Help me please.
I listened to him and said:
- You have rheumatism, grandfather; I will give you this ointment, that is, linamentum, so that you know; but ego is not everything. You need to be in a warm, dry room, you know?
“I understand,” the old man grumbled. - Only at the expense of dryness and warmth, young master, will not work.
- Why won't it come out? - I ask.
“Because, Mr. Dokhtur, I am a Gavchovitsky waterman,” the grandfather answers. - Well, how can I arrange it so that it is dry and warm in the water? After all, I have to wipe my nose with water. I sleep in the water and cover myself with water. Only now, in his old age, he began to make a bed for himself from soft water instead of hard water, so that it would not be so hard to lie. And about dryness and heat - it is difficult.
- There's nothing you can do, grandfather. In cold water with such rheumatism it is not good for you to be. Old bones require warmth. How old are you, mister water?
"Oh, ho," muttered the old man. - After all, Mr. Dokhtur, I have been living in the world since pagan times.
It turns out several thousand years, and even more. Yes, he lived a lot!
“You see,” I said. - At your age, grandfather, you should be closer to the stove. Wait, I've got an idea! Have you heard of hot keys?
- Heard, how not to hear, - grumbled the merman. - Well, there aren't any here.
- Not here, but there is in Teplice, in Pishtyany, and somewhere else. Only deep underground. And these hot springs, keep in mind, seem to have been purposely created for old watermen with rheumatism. You will simply settle in such a hot spring as a local water one, and at the same time you will treat your rheumatism.
- Hm, hm, - said the grandfather in indecision. - And what are the duties of the water hot springs?
“Not particularly difficult,” I say. - Supply hot water all the time upstairs, not allowing it to cool down. And release the excess to the earth's surface. That's all.
- It would be nothing, - grumbled the Gavlovitsky waterman. - Well, I'll look for some such key. Thank you very much, mister dokhtur.
And hobbled out of the office. And in the place where he stood, he left a puddle.
And imagine, colleagues, - the Havlovitsky waterman turned out to be so prudent that he followed my advice: he settled in one of the hot springs in Slovakia and pumps out so much boiling water from the bowels of the earth that a warm spring continuously beats in this place. And rheumatism bathes in its hot waters, with great benefit to themselves. They come from all over the world for treatment.
Follow his example, Mr. Madiyash - do everything that we, doctors, advise you.
THE CASE OF THE MERMAIDS
“I also had an interesting case,” said the doctor from Hořicek. - I sleep once at night like the dead - suddenly I hear someone knocking on the window and calling: "Doctor! Doctor!"
I open the window.
- What's the matter? - I ask. - Did anyone need me?
“Yes,” an alarmed but pleasant voice answers me. - Go! Go help!
- Who is it? - I ask. - Who is calling me?
- I, the voice of the night, - was heard from the darkness. - The voice of the moonlit night. Go!
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” I answered, as if in a dream, and hastily dressed.
I leave the house - no one!
I confess, I was terrified in earnest.
- Hey! - I call in an undertone. - Is there anybody here? Where should I go?
“Follow me, follow me,” someone invisible groaned tenderly.
I went to this voice right across the virgin lands, not thinking about the road, first through a dewy meadow, then through a forest. The moon shone brightly, and everything froze in its cold rays. Gentlemen, I know these lands like the back of my hand; but on that moonlit night, the surroundings seemed somehow unreal, some kind of extravaganza. Sometimes you recognize some other world in the most familiar surroundings.
I walked towards this voice for a long time, suddenly I see: but this is the Ratiborzh valley, by God.
"Here, here, doctor," the voice was heard again.
As if flashing, a river wave splashed, and I was standing on the banks of the Upa, on a silvery meadow flooded with moonlight. And in the middle of the meadow something glows: not that body, not that just fog; and I hear - either a quiet cry, or the sound of water.
“Yes, yes,” I say soothingly. - Who are we and what hurts us?
“Ah, doctor,” said the little luminous nebula in a trembling voice. - I'm just a vila, a river mermaid. My sisters danced, and I danced with them, when suddenly, I don’t know why, maybe I stumbled on a moonbeam, maybe I slipped on a shiny dewdrop, - as soon as I found myself on the ground: I’m lying and I can’t get up, and my leg hurts, hurts...
“I understand, mademoiselle,” I said. - You, apparently, have a fracture, in other words, a fracture. Needs to be tidied up... So you're one of those mermaids that dance in this valley? Well well. And if a young man from Zhernov or Slatana gets caught, you will spin him to death, right? Hm, hm. Do you know, honey? After all, this is a disgrace. And this time you had to pay dearly for it, didn't you? Finished the game?
“Ah, doctor,” moaned the Svetlinka in the meadow, “if you only knew how my leg hurts!”
“Of course it hurts,” I say. - Fracture can't help but get sick.
I knelt beside the mermaid to inspect the fracture.
Dear colleagues, I have healed more than one hundred fractures, but I will tell you: mermaids are difficult to deal with. Their whole body is entirely made of rays, and the bones are formed by the so-called hard rays; you can’t take it in your hand: unsteady, like a breath of breeze, like light, like fog. If you please, straighten it, pull it off, bandage it! Let me tell you, a devilishly difficult task. I tried to wrap it with cobwebs, shouting: "Oh-oh-oh! They cut like ropes!" He wanted to immobilize his broken leg with an apple flower petal, he cries: "Ah, ah, it crushes like a stone!" What to do? In the end, I removed the highlight, the metallic sheen from the wings of a dragonfly, or libella, and prepared two planks from it. Then he decomposed the moonbeam, passing it through a drop of dew, into seven colors of the rainbow, and the most tender of them, blue, tied these boards to a broken mermaid leg. It was sheer torment! I'm all sweaty; it seemed to me that the full moon was roasting like the August sun. Having finished this work, I sat down next to the mermaid and said:
- Now, mademoiselle, behave quietly, do not move your leg until it grows together. But listen, darling, I am simply amazed at you and your girlfriends: how are you still here? After all, all the pitchforks and mermaids, no matter how many there were, long ago in much best places got over...
- Where? she interrupted.
- Yes, where films are made, you know? I replied. They play and dance for the movies; their chickens don't peck for money, and everyone admires them - glory to the whole world, mademoiselle! All mermaids and pitchforks have long since passed into the cinema, and all water and goblin, no matter how many there are. If you could only see what toilets and jewelry are on these pitchforks! They would never wear such a simple dress as you.
- ABOUT! - said the mermaid. - Our dresses are woven from the glow of fireflies!
“Yes,” I said, “but they don’t wear those anymore. And now the style is not the same.
- With a train? the mermaid asked excitedly.
"I can't tell you," I said. - I'm not good at this. But it's time for me to leave: dawn is coming soon, and as far as I know, you mermaids only appear in the dark, right? So, goodbye, mademoiselle. Think about cinema!
I never saw this mermaid again. I think her broken tibia has healed well. And you can imagine: since then, mermaids and pitchforks have ceased to appear in the Ratiborzh valley. They must have gone to film studios. Yes, you yourself can notice in the cinema: it seems that young ladies and ladies are moving on the screen, but they don’t have any bodies, you can’t touch it, sun? - entirely from some rays: of course, a mermaid! That is why you have to turn off the lights in the cinema and make sure that it is dark: after all, pitchforks and all sorts of ghosts are afraid of light and come to life only in the dark.
It also shows that at the present time neither ghosts nor other fabulous creatures can show themselves in daylight, unless they find themselves another, more efficient profession. And they have more than enough opportunities for this!
Lord, we chatted so much, children, that we completely forgot about the magician Madiyash! And no wonder; because he can neither whisper nor move his lips: the plum stone is still sitting in his throat. He can only sweat with fear, widen his eyes and think: "When will these four doctors help me?"
“Well, Mr. Madiyash,” said the doctor from Kostelets at last. - Let's start the operation. But first we need to wash our hands, because the most important thing for a surgeon is cleanliness.
All four of them began to wash their hands: first they washed them in warm water, then in pure alcohol, then in gasoline, then in carbolic acid. Then they put on clean white coats ... Oh, dear, the operation will begin now! Who is afraid, let him close his eyes.
“Vincek,” said the doctor from Hořicek, “hold the patient’s hands so that he doesn’t move.
- Are you ready, Mr. Madiyash? - the doctor from Upice asked importantly.
Madiyas nodded his head. And he is neither alive nor dead, his knees are shaking with fear,
- Then let's get started! - proclaimed the Gronovsky doctor.
Then the doctor from Kostelets turned around and gave the magician Madiyash such a cuff, or bream, in the back that it thundered like thunder struck, and in Nakhod, Starkoch, even in Smirzhytsia, people began to look around to see if a thunderstorm was beginning; the earth shook, and a gallery in an abandoned mine collapsed in Swaton Vice, and a bell tower swayed in Nachod; all over the region, as far as Trutnov, Politse, and still further, all the pigeons were frightened, all the dogs climbed into their kennel from fear, and all the cats jumped off the stove; and a plum stone jumped out of Madiyash's throat with such tremendous force and speed that it flew past Pardubice and fell only near Przhelouche, killing a couple of oxen in the field and leaving three fathoms two cubits one and a half feet seven inches four spans and a quarter of a line into the ground.
First, a plum stone jumped out of Madiyash's throat, and behind it were the words: "... awkward tyukh!" It was the stuck half of the phrase that he wanted to shout to the freckled Vincek: "Oh, you clumsy chick!" But she did not fly so far, but fell right there, behind Iosefov, breaking the old pear in the process.
After that, Madiyash smoothed his mustache and said:
- Thank you very much!
“Not at all,” answered the four doctors. - The operation went well.
- Only, - added the upitsky doctor, - in order to completely get rid of this disease, Mr. Madiyash, you need to rest for a hundred or two years. I strongly recommend that you, like the Havlowitz waterman, change the air and climate.
- I agree with my colleague, - supported the Gronovsky doctor. - You need an abundance of sun and air, like the princess of Suleiman. Based on this, I would warmly advise you to live in the Sahara desert.
“For my part, I share this point of view,” added the Kostelets doctor. - The Sahara Desert will be extremely useful for you, Mr. Madiyas, just because plums do not grow there, which could be a serious threat to your health.
- I join the opinion of respected colleagues, - said the doctor from Hořicek. - And since you are a sorcerer, Mr. Madiyash, so in this desert you will get the opportunity to explore and think over the question of how to conjure moisture and fertility in it so that people can live and work there. It would be a wonderful story.
What was left for the magician Madiyash to do? He politely thanked the four doctors, packed his magic spells, and moved from Geishovina to the Sahara Desert. Since then, we have neither sorcerers nor sorcerers, and this is very good. But the magician Madiyash is still alive and ponders the question of how to conjure fields and forests, cities and villages in the desert. Maybe you kids can look forward to it.

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Karel Capek

Big doctor's tale

Seeing this, Vintsek was terribly afraid that Father Madiyash would not suffocate to death; says emphatically:

Wait, master, I'm running to Gronovo for a doctor.

And set off down from Geishovina; it’s a pity no one was there to measure his speed: it would probably have turned out to be a world record for long-distance running.

He ran to Gronov, to the doctor - he could hardly take a breath. He finally caught his breath and began to frequent, like scattered peas:

Doctor, please now, just now! - to Mr. Magician Madiyash, otherwise he will suffocate. Well, I ran, damn it!

To Madiyash on Geishovina? growled the Gronovsky doctor. “To be honest, I really don’t want to. But suddenly I desperately need it; what will I do then?

If only we weren't late! freckled Vincek was worried all the time.

So, doctor, we've come!

I have the honor, Mr. Madiyash, - said the Gronovsky doctor. - Well, where does it hurt you?

The magician Madiyash in response only wheezed, hissed, sniffed, pointing to his throat, where it got stuck.

Yes, sir. In the throat? - said the Gronovsky doctor. Let's see what kind of bobo is there. Open your mouth properly, Mr. Madiyash, and say ah-ah-ah...

The magician Madiyash, having removed the hair of his black beard from his mouth, opened his mouth to its full extent, but he could not pronounce aaaa: there was no voice.

Having finished with the medical examination, he assumed an important air and said:

ABOUT PRINCESS SULEIMAN

Oh ho ho!

Half an hour later he stretched and said:

After an hour he added:

In the cards would be thrown. Do you have maps, Mr. Madiyas?

Karel Capek

Big doctor's tale

Seeing this, Vintsek was terribly afraid that Father Madiyash would not suffocate to death; says emphatically:

Wait, master, I'm running to Gronovo for a doctor.

And set off down from Geishovina; it’s a pity no one was there to measure his speed: it would probably have turned out to be a world record for long-distance running.

He ran to Gronov, to the doctor - he could hardly take a breath. He finally caught his breath and began to frequent, like scattered peas:

Doctor, please now, just now! - to Mr. Magician Madiyash, otherwise he will suffocate. Well, I ran, damn it!

To Madiyash on Geishovina? growled the Gronovsky doctor. “To be honest, I really don’t want to. But suddenly I desperately need it; what will I do then?

If only we weren't late! freckled Vincek was worried all the time.

So, doctor, we've come!

I have the honor, Mr. Madiyash, - said the Gronovsky doctor. - Well, where does it hurt you?

The magician Madiyash in response only wheezed, hissed, sniffed, pointing to his throat, where it got stuck.

Yes, sir. In the throat? - said the Gronovsky doctor. Let's see what kind of bobo is there. Open your mouth properly, Mr. Madiyash, and say ah-ah-ah...

The magician Madiyash, having removed the hair of his black beard from his mouth, opened his mouth to its full extent, but he could not pronounce aaaa: there was no voice.

Having finished with the medical examination, he assumed an important air and said:

ABOUT PRINCESS SULEIMAN

Oh ho ho!

Half an hour later he stretched and said:

After an hour he added:

In the cards would be thrown. Do you have maps, Mr. Madiyas?

Read online "big doctor's tale". Karel Capek - big doctor's tale Karel Capek doctor's tale

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